With just weeks until the presidential election, a new poll of New Orleans citizens shows voters overwhelmingly prefer a local candidate as the next leader of the United States.
A large network of sentient construction Cones found throughout the city is leading the way for New Orleans citizens as the best and most qualified candidate for the presidential election.
Political veterans seem shocked by the non-traditional candidate’s popularity and meteoric rise after the trainwreck first debate between President Donald Trump and Democratic nominee Joe Biden.
“I never thought I’d see the day when inanimate objects would be an actual candidate let alone the leading candidate for President of the United States,” noted Dr. Ishaaq Huber, a political sciences professor at South Harmon Institute of Technology.
“I guess people want to actually see the change. If we can have an orange-faced man run the country, I guess the orange Cone deserves a chance to run it, too, if that’s what people really want.”
Uptown resident Allison Garth said she noticed the Cones started becoming a hive mind about a decade after the Sewage and Water Board abandoned them in her neighborhood and figured some kind of weird liquid mixture in the potholes they were guarding had something to do with their gaining self-awareness.
“The Cones lookout for everyone no matter your race, creed, sex, politics, whatever — they just do their job and do it well,” Garth noted.
“The Cone Collective doesn’t have a face or a mouth, but actions speak louder than words, and these Cones are the only candidate to ever stand up for each and every single one of us, 24/7. Unlike the rest of our elected officials, the Cones truly, serve others. It’s all they know how to do.”
The poll, conducted by the political action committee Foundation for Murican Liberty (FML), has the Cones coming in at 98.9995%, just ahead of incumbent President Donald Trump (.0005%), former vice president Joe Biden (.0005%). Other local, uber candidate Frank Scurlock maintains a commanding second place (1%) over the Republican and Democrat nominees. When it comes to pressing issues on the public’s mind, the poll shows that the majority of potential voters in the upcoming election are primarily focused on “giving the finger” to every single politician (minus candidate Cone), “deportation of all politicians” (minus candidate Cone), and “more beer, less 2020.”
The Cone Collective, which actually consists of construction drums or barrels, said in a statement that its name change is an homage to its mother and grandmother.
Cone was born Construction Barrel but changed its name after its parents divorced, opting for its mother’s maiden name. Opponents say it swapped names to connect itself with the Cone legacy for recognizability and political gain. Cones are used around the world for just about every kind of event while barrels and drums have more limited usage. Cone has dismissed all negative accusations as political slander.
At a press conference earlier today, the swarm of sentient Cones communicated to Neutral Ground News using morse-code by way of blinking lights saying, whether it wins the presidential election or not, it intends to still provide an easy-to-follow path forward for our country.
“Must stop current route. STOP. New route formed. STOP. Go. STOP.”
Note: Neutral Ground News has endorsed Cone to become President of the United States because they have always been there for us.