Federal government ready to fully legalize marijuana if it’ll calm all y’all the hell down

Federal government ready to fully legalize marijuana if it'll calm all y'all the hell downLouis Velazquez

In a shocking effort to bring unity to a fractured populace, the United States government today announced it is prepared to unconditionally legalize marijuana in all 50 states if it will calm all y’all pains in the asses down.

Congress set a legislative record by unanimously approving the measure in the least amount of time ever in the nation’s history, approximately four minutes and 20 seconds.

It also marks the first time every single Congressional member in both the House and the Senate, and the President, all agreed without debate or hesitation of any kind, crossing all partisan lines.

“In this time of great distress, it is imperative citizens sit down together and have deep, deep conversations and stop calling my office about George Carlin,” Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell said. “This historic joint measure between the Senate, the House, and the President will allow the American people, if they agree to quit bitchin’, to find common ground with each other.”

According to Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi, the measure will immediately be signed into law and be effective in every state but only if the American people agree to stop pestering her and her colleagues about George Burns.

“Let me be blunt, the nation is hurting. It is angry. I have been a public servant since this country was founded and I never thought I’d live to see the day when George Foreman would become such a huge social issue,” Speaker Pelosi said. “But what is important to the American people is important to me and we will address it head-on because it’s the right thing to do.”

Senator McConnell, who at first opposed the bill because he had yet to thoroughly review how he could make money off marijuana, quickly threw his support behind the measure once he learned the incredible impact it could make in subduing the rowdy populace and taking pressure off the power structure he joined in 1984.

“This is a great day to be a politician, er… American. I want our citizens to know that we on Capitol Hill hear their cries, no matter how thick the walls and windows in our gated communities are. As the kids say, ‘This to will puff, puff, pass.'”

Meanwhile, President Donald Trump delivered a 43-second national address on television to share his own message.

“I hate that George Michael left us too soon. He had great music. ‘Faith’ was fantastic. Like my faith. The strongest. Did you see me at church?”

He also urged Americans to remember the best marijuana comes from the bad hombres in Mexico.

“Get it from Mexico. The best. You’ll love it. I’ve never had it. But I know it. I know it well. They built a wall because the demand is so great. It’s really high. You’ll get high. Good people there. Good people here. This helps good people meet. Bad hombres know. I know. You know.”

A congressional staffer who wishes to remain anonymous told Neutral Ground News that lawmakers previously planned to dump THC gas on cities across the nation in an effort to quell recent disturbances over a multiple of issues. The plan, nicknamed Operation Because I Got High, has been tabled for the time being but is still available for future consideration.