Louisiana officials advise public to start preparing now for 4 a.m. weather alert texts

Neutral Ground News - New Orleans News - SatireDon Kiebels

Louisiana officials are actively monitoring the development of weather alert texts they say will begin affecting the state as soon as Thursday morning when Hurricane Ian is closer to the coast.

Be prepared.

That was the mantra from officials today as they briefed the public on the approaching weather alerts. The texts are projected to begin startling the shit out of each and every sleeping citizen around 4 a.m. Thursday morning.

Deputy Director Kurt Culus of the Department of Public Annoyance and Fear Induction, a part of the Governor’s Office of Homeland Insecurity and Emergency Panic, said the fear and stress levels among Louisiana residents are at dangerously low levels with COVID receding.

“Halloween is too far away. We needed something to raise them back, and what better way than the middle of the night shrieking? Closing your eyes real tight and pretending to be asleep will not stop the texts from happening.”

Culus stressed the importance of preparing.

“We’ve got a couple of days. Now is the time to set an alarm or just stay up so you aren’t shocked awake by the weather alerts. I know some people are working on costumes for Halloween and hoping Hurricane Ian goes away, but we still need to prepare for the texts. They are coming whether you’re ready or not,” Culus said.

Life-long Algiers resident Allison Theriot said no matter how many weather alert texts she has experienced she still gets nervous whenever she knows they’re approaching.

“We’re preparing the best we can, but at 4 a.m. you don’t know what you’re doing. Last time I was in a deep sleep and almost ruined the bed when the alerts began screaming at me so early. The alerts are worse than hurricanes. Send them at waking hours for hell’s sake,” Theriot said.

When asked why the deafening, undies-filling text alerts aren’t sent at a more appropriate time, Culus said, “Our top fear experts have determined that 4 a.m. is the optimum time to create the most annoyance, stress, and fatigue in our citizens. By 8 a.m. most folks have already had their first cup of coffee. We want to get the most bang for the buck with taxpayer money.”