Just weeks after Neutral Ground News shockingly announced it was giving away tickets and a meet and greet to the upcoming “Weird Al” Yankovic ‘Strings Attached Tour’ at the Saenger, the publication finds itself under the scrutiny of another media outlet over an alleged conspiracy.
The gracious and merciful New Orleans Advocate, fresh from gobbling up the husk of the Some-Times Picayune, revealed it has decided to launch a special counsel investigation into whether there was collusion! with the tickets + meet and greet’s upcoming winner selection process for which you can still enter by clicking >>====>> HERE <<====<< , comrade.
According to Neutral Ground News, it is giving away two tickets to the highly anticipated upcoming performance by Weird Al plus a post-show plus a meet and greet with the artist for absolutely no apparent reason other than “just because.”
But the Advocate, having nothing better to do than sell papers at the expense of those wanting to promote a wholesome, artistic concert, insinuated that something was rotten in the state of Gentilly.
“Something stinks in New Orleans and it isn’t Bourbon Street,” said The Advocate’s competition-slayer-in-chief John Georges.
“Well, it is Bourbon Street. And that long stretch of Almonaster. But aside from that, you know, metaphorically, something else stinks, too. It’s collusion! Or something kinda like it. And we’re going to get to the bottom of this stink-pit even if I have to call in a favor from Lee Zurik or just buy Neutral Ground News outright.”
The seemingly random news shocked the six people who visit the NGN’s social media pages, as Neutral Ground News is generally known by fans to be run by destitute hack journalists who spend most of their days sniffing powdered sugar off beignets and crank calling the city’s other media with collusion! “tips.”
“Look, I’ve been following these guys for decades — Creole Jesus, what have I been doing with my life… and I know for a fact that they do as little as humanly possible,” said cooperating witness Leigh Kiebels, disappointed mother of NGN’s editor-in-chief Don Kiebels who really, really did not like her Mother’s Day gift.
Jerkface acquaintances made allegations a few weeks ago that the publication was trying to “buy the love of locals, or maybe even…Russians” since they don’t have any friends and Russian mail-order brides are too expensive was the primary motivation behind the giveaway.
According to a dossier provided to The Advocate by a witness who requested anonymity, Kiebels and Associate Editor C. Mortar initially attempted to sell the promotional tickets for a trip to Moscow and some active bed-wetting. There were no takers (It’s a Steele!” Mortar allegedly told the witness).
As of last week, according to the source dressed in his Trader Joe’s work shirt with a name tag reading ‘Jessie,’ Kiebels and Mortar were willing to part with the tickets for as little an afternoon in Kenner with a frisky Mary Landrieu.
Speaking to the investigative reporter janitor of Neutral Ground News, Mortar said, “That’s all a damn lie!” and insisted he wouldn’t be caught alive in Kenner.
“We do have our standards. And we do have friends. OK, I have a dog. And Kiebels has a few gerbils. Besides, who the hell reads The Advocate? If you want fake news, read NGN. We’re like your girlfriend; we fake it honestly.”
The Advocate’s 26-part investigative report will premier this Friday and expects to be about as coherent as this article.