Welcome to “Odds & Ends“, where we report on real news that
looks like it could be satire but it’s really, seriously not.
In a shocking and personally offensive move, New Orleans Mayor LaToya Cantrell’s administration has announced plans to launch its very own “news” service to provide the public with what they’re calling accurate and timely information. While some might see this as a bold move in city communication, we here at Neutral Ground News see it for what it really is: a slap in the face.
For years, we’ve been at the forefront of creating absolute nonsense masquerading as satire. Our fake stories have brought laughter, confusion, and the occasional unsolicited legal threat to the good people of New Orleans. But more importantly, they’ve shown our unparalleled ability to craft utterly unbelievable narratives that somehow feel more believable than the actual news.
And yet, when it came time to build a city-funded “news” service, were we even considered? No. Not even a polite phone call or a message in a notebook. It’s as if our years of fabricating absurdity weren’t good enough for the Cantrell administration. Honestly, it’s offensive. Who else could spin a story better than we can?
Let’s be real: starting your own news service is an ambitious project. But if you’re going to build a platform to tell stories in a way that, let’s just say, might not align with the full breadth of public reality, why wouldn’t you hire the local experts? We’ve been doing this for years, Mayor Cantrell. Years.
The newly proposed city news platform (Cantrell News Network?) claims it will offer a “more direct line of communication to residents,” which is a fine idea on paper. But let’s not pretend it’s anything more than an attempt to curate the narrative. And who better to curate absurdity than Neutral Ground News?
As we sit here in our editorial office, definitely not a coffee shop table covered in praline crumbs, we can’t help but feel like this is a missed opportunity. If the city wants to control the narrative, they could’ve had the best satire-meets-bullshit professionals on the job.
Alas, we’ll keep doing what we do best: reporting the truth that isn’t true, but sometimes feels like it should be, while the Mayor’s office tries to figure out how to explain why potholes are actually an urban feature.
Mayor Cantrell, our lines are open. Call us. It’s not too late to correct this grave oversight. However, the Feds did say not to wait too long. Until then, we’ll be here, spinning our nonsense the old-fashioned way—without taxpayer dollars.