Millions of New Orleanians to be exposed by hackers of diet-cheating website

Don Kiebels

Hackers who claimed to have stolen data from Ashley Madison, the dating site for cheaters, are back — and New Orleanians may be the next ones to pay dearly.

Gulp, a social network that discretely connects its members with diet-restricted foods whenever a craving strikes, was similarly hacked late last night. Reports indicate that nearly 73 percent of the website’s 30 million members are from the New Orleans area alone.

“The population of New Orleans is only about 380,000 people, but 22 million of Gulp’s members claim to be New Orleanians. My only guess is that the citizens here have used multiple profiles to spread out the cheating and feel less guilty,” said investigating FBI agent Lilly Debby.

The Hackers Alliance, the group claiming responsibility for the attack, says it’s on a crusade to expose as many people as possible who are “living a lie.”

“You bought Zingers, Ho-Hos, or Twinkies, and we know who you are,” said a hacker going by the name RabidThanos. “And, soon, the world will know who you are, too.”

After recently posting nearly 10-gigabytes of stolen data from Ashley Madison a few years back, including member email addresses, credit card transactions, and even profiles, the hackers may do the same with information extracted from Gulp.

RabidThanos said that the Alliance has put the profiles online in a searchable database that covers diet-cheating locals who have indulged at regional and local establishments such as Gambino’s, Popeyes, Bud’s Broiler, Haydel’s, Parasol’s, Cane’s, District Donuts Sliders Brew, and Parkway Bakery and Tavern.

The Alliance claims that “if you ditched Jenny Craig for some Doberge Cake or ordered a number four with hickory sauce and onions instead of the salad, the world will know.”

While Gulp isn’t happy with the security breach, it doesn’t believe what happened is that big of a big deal.

“Our members are only human. Often very hangry humans, but cheating while on a diet is only natural,” said Gulp spokesman Arnie Nom.

“We all have urges, and sometimes cramming an entire personal King Cake in your mouth with minimal chewing satisfies a person far more than a salad ever could. That’s nothing to be ashamed of and New Orleanians, whether they are our members or not, shouldn’t be either.”

Replied RabidThanos: “We have Gulp’s database on Hubig’s Pies. Just wait.”