Today’s horoscopes for tomorrow’s answers according to some local guy you should trust

Today's horoscopes - New Orleans news - Neutrla Ground News

Life can be hard. All that “doing stuff” is such a buzz kill. Every decision every day forces each of us to question the life paths we’re stumbling on like optimistically naive Bourbon Street tourists. Thankfully, there’s a shortcut to finding the answers (horoscopes) and at Neutral Ground News we’re all about cutting corners.

Our sadequate advice columnist, Beauregard Lafontaine, offers the guidance you so desperately seek by utilizing the ancient zodiac. His artisanal horoscopes will give everything you need to face life head-on with the confidence of knowing a guy you’ve never met says the cosmos totally has your back.

Ready to live your best life? Simply click the + sign by your astrological sign to reveal your horoscope. Results guaranteed. No purchase necessary.

Aries: March 21 – April 19
With Venus in utero, your personal life will find peace as you get both of your hands stuck in honey jars. You’re gonna be like “why do I own these?” as you struggle to call 911.
Taurus: April 20 – May 20
With Neptune in collusion, make time for the little people. Especially the village of tiny people that live under your bed. They are open to trade salted meat, medicine, and alcohol for woven goods and wild game.
Gemini: May 21 – June 20
With Pluto still missing since last Monday, new opportunities are about to present themselves to you. One of which will curse you with the ability to speak to birds, but only the racist ones.
Cancer: June 21 – July 22
With Mercury watching Law and Order SVU, keep an eye out for a letter from an old associate. Do not open, it contains a powerful neurotoxin. Mail them back a box of spiders and a single rose. If you find the rose on your pillow two days later you’ll have a close friend for life.
Leo: July 23 – August 22
With Earth in the toilet, plan for a long upcoming weekend. Avoid work, sunshine, and familiar faces. Stockpile dry goods and antibiotics. I’m not saying something is going to happen Saturday morning, I’m just saying that it COULD.
Virgo: August 23 – September 22
With Europe in transit, expect a visit from a future version of yourself. He/She/It/They/Us looks like you but a version of you that’s been in a state of unbroken combat for years. She has important information about the uprising; many died to send you back. Battle-worn, yet wise and powerful… resist the urge to screw yourself as it could unravel the universe.
Libra: September 23 – October 22
With the Sun feeling ohhh so horny this week, expect bad traffic delays. If Incubus plays on the radio, abandon your car, shed clothes, and scurry into the woods to burrow until Spring.
Scorpio: October 23 – November 21
With the Uranus in new, cute, high wasted shorts, be on the lookout for tall dark strangers. One of them will hold the key to the mysterious box that’s always been in your closet. Every home, always there…
Sagittarius: November 22 - December 21
With Mars in self doubt, you find yourself traveling an unknown path. Expect bright lights, unsettling noises, and unfamiliar smells. “Am I inside a Dave and Busters??” you’ll ask yourself, and yes you are going to get lost inside a D&B.
Capricorn: December 22 - January 19
With Saturn in treatment for addiction, consider a change of setting in the coming autumn. Dig a tunnel under your neighbors home, hide in the walls, and whisper your deepest fears through the vents at night. When you return in Winter you’ll be refreshed and ready to finish the year stronger than before.
Aquarius: January 20 - February 18
With Mars in the weeds, seek calming forces this week. Take time to center yourself, and heal all emotional wounds. Because next week you’re starting a man vs bird fight club in City Park.
Pisces: February 19 - March 20
With Saturn pre-paid for next year’s Coachella, consider slowing down and taking a personal day. The river is always a nice pla…that’s a body. That’s a human body floating down the river. It has your face. Your eyes lock for a moment, and then bubbles.

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