NASA: Rare planetary alignment to briefly cause “floating” sensation on Jan 4, 2015; New Orleans shielded

Neutral Ground News - New Orleans News - SatireDon Kiebels


Planetary Alignment On Jan 4, 2015 Will Decrease Gravity For 5 Minutes Causing Partial WeightlessnessThe world is set to experience an extremely rare phenomenon due to planetary alignment on January 4, 2015 that will cause the people of Earth to experience “weightlessness” for a few brief seconds — that is, unless you’re from the New Orleans area.

Daily Buzz Live reports:

According to British astronomer Patrick Moore, at exactly 9:47 PST AM on January 4th, Pluto will pass directly behind Jupiter, in relation to Earth. This rare, once in a millennia alignment will mean that the combined gravitational force of the two planets would exert a stronger tidal pull, temporarily counteracting the Earth’s own gravity and making people virtually weightless.

Moore calls this the Jovian-Plutonian Gravitational Effect. Moore told scientists that they could experience the phenomenon by jumping in the air at the precise moment the alignment occurred. If they do so, they will experience a strange floating sensation.

While you won’t float around your house, Moore’s research states that if you jump in the air at 9:47 AM PST, on January 4, 2015, it should take you about 3 seconds to land back on your feet instead of the usual 0.2 seconds.

However, Dr. Quinn Mallory, an astrophysicist at the NASA Michoud Assembly Facility in New Orleans, cautions locals not to get their hopes up.

“Unfortunately, while everyone else in the world will have a chance to experience a brief floating sensation, no one from New Orleans is going to get that opportunity. The people here have too much Friphorus in their blood,” said Dr. Mallory.

planetary_alignment_viewFriphorus, which is a base element that gives fried food its distinct taste, enters the bloodstream after a person’s digestive tract absorbs the food’s nutrients. It has a moderately long half-life, meaning it sticks with you longer than most elements in your body.

“Friphorus has a unique relationship with gravity in that it enhances its effects. It naturally weighs everyone down to some degree, though the effect is often negligible for most people.

“In New Orleans we ingest so much of it and it stays inside us for so long that it has stronger influence on our bodies and acts as a sort of molecular ‘anchor’ giving more weight to our cells. No one here is going to get off the ground any more than usual.”

Fried foods such as the popular fried shrimp po’boys, fried catfish and fried oysters are consumed more frequently and in bigger quantities in New Orleans than any other location on earth, giving the local population the highest rate of Friphorus in the world.

“Unless you have a magical pair of Air Jordans that actually turn you into Michael Jordan or significantly diminishes the amount of Friphorus in your body, you’re probably going to be very disappointed on January 4 if you’re from New Orleans. The good news is you can drown your sorrows in a greasy bucket of fried Popeyes chicken, and that lasts much longer than this phenomenon.”