After one of the most embarrassing defeats of the Sean Payton era, a top gastroenterologist is en-route to the New Orleans Saints training facility in Metairie to evaluate all the staff and players.
World-renown Dr. Bennett Dewaist, an expert at diagnosing and alleviating severe bowel issues, will be on hand to help figure out why the once-promising Saints defense continually shit itself in a disheartening 48-40 loss to the Tampa Bay Buccaneers at the now nicknamed Mercedes-Benz Pooperdome.
The team’s physician, Dr. Arnold Cross, knew they needed to bring in a specialist after the beatdown in which the Saints defense let backup quarterback Ryan Fitpatrick throw for 417 yards and four touchdowns while adding 36 yards and a touchdown on the ground.
“I noticed little trails of shit on the field during the game when we made Fitzpatrick look like Tom Brady. I thought it was an isolated incident where a rookie got hit really hard or something, but it just snowballed from there,” said Dr. Cross, the team’s physician since 2003.
“There was shit everywhere. On the field, on the bench, in the locker room, on the play cards. I’ve practiced for 30 years in internal medicine, and I’ve never seen anything quite like this.”
After seeing the Saints look brilliant last year and several improvements made in the off-season, Dr. Cross believed the team was getting better but was shocked to see the condition come back with a vengeance against the Bucs where the team left one of the largest piles of shit to date steaming on the field. Tampa Bay’s 48 points tied a franchise record set in 2001, also against the Saints.
“It is a bit of a mystery right now,” said Dr. Cross. “But just like any other mystery, we have some clues. We just have to follow the trails and hopefully, Dr. Dewaist can help nip this thing in the bud before the next game or we’re going to have renovate the Dome all over again.”
Dr. Dewaist, who specializes in Poopoology, is frequently sought by professional and collegiate teams, including LSU following its disastrous loss to Alabama in the 2012 BCS National Championship.
A team source, speaking on condition of anonymity because he was not authorized to speak publicly on the matter, has told Neutral Ground News that initial findings by in-house staff may point to the team being infected with the dangerous condition known as Popeye’s Belly. Although the source cautioned it was still too early to know for sure since Dr. Dewaist still has to perform his evaluation.
“At the moment, all I know for sure is that our defensive players’ colons are working really, really… really well,” noted Dr. Cross.