Lager’s to become Ochsner’s Imperial Ache House after assimilation into empire

Ochsner Health System - Lager's International Ale House - New Orleans news - Neutral Ground News

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The next time you go to the doctor to get a shot they may ask if you want to make it a double.

Ochsner Health System announced today it has annexed the closing Lager’s International Ale House into the empire and given the longtime Metairie tavern, which opened in 1996, protectorate status.

The Ochsner overlords, who already rule most of southeast Louisiana, will begin occupation of their new Lager’s territory this January at which point the tavern will then become Ochsner’s Imperial Ache House.

By absorbing Lager’s into the empire, Ochsner will have a chance to test its new “health and hops” concept, combining a bar with a clinic, in a bid to gain more control over two of Louisiana’s most profitable industries — healthcare and alcohol.

For locals, the annexation could make the rising costs of healthcare and visiting the doctor more palatable. Ochsner hopes this new concept will become an access point through which healthcare providers can reach more patients to also provide a new, untapped revenue stream.

Ochsner Imperial Ache House Beer Flight Test

Aside from the typical x-rays, CT scans, EKGs, and such, Ochsner will also provide new patients with a free G.I. series of beer flight tests to see which brews are best for each individual. The beers to first be tested reportedly will include St. Joseph Town Brown Ale, Hoppytension Pale Ale, Be-ER Light, Black Out-Patient Seasonal, and Diagnosips Honey Lager.

“Whether it’s the potential costs of tests or fear of what that weird, Mitch Landrieu-looking mole could be, most people are scared to go to the doctor and what better way to help overcome that than by providing some liquid courage,” said Dan Gleesac, Ochsner’s vice president of acquisitions and seizures. “Ochsner is committed to ensuring that care is accessible to all citizens of the empire when and where they need it most.”

These unique satellite clinics create a bridge to health care for residents while the rest of the nation’s medical community continues to invest in the over-saturated urgent care market.

“To continue leading the industry in innovation, we knew we had to shake things up and approach healthcare from a consumer’s point of view. With its prime location, great reputation, and built-in booze, food, and mental health infrastructure, Lager’s was an easy call,” said Gleesac.

Ochsner’s Imperial Ache House will offer all the customary tests any urgent care or clinic do as well as many not available anywhere else.

“Aside from the typical x-rays, CT scans, EKGs, and such, we’ll also routinely provide new patients a free G.I. series of beer flight tests to see which brews are right for you. Right now we’re testing St. Joseph Town Brown Ale, Hoppytension Pale Ale, Be-ER Light Lager, Black Out-Patient Seasonal, and Diagnosips Honey Lager. Soon, everyone will love going to see the doctor.”

According to Gleesac, Ochsner plans to open dozens of more Ache Houses across Louisiana as soon as its deal with Governor John Bel Edwards to buyout the cash-strapped state is completed.

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