New Orleans City Hall employees told to loaf from home due to Coronavirus

Neutral Ground News - New Orleans News - SatireDon Kiebels

New Orleans City Hall employees are being told they can do nothing from home due to coronavirus. The faster-than-anything-else-they’ve-ever-done-ever recommendation from officials comes in response to growing fear for the safety of over thousands of mentally checked-out city employees whose bodies remain at-risk.

Harry Husselbuck, spokesman for Mayor LaToya Cantrell, said employees are being sent home in batches and will be allowed to stay for as long as needed.

“Their [City Hall workers] bodies are here but their minds aren’t, so we were concerned they may be oblivious to the risks Coronavirus presents,” said Husselbuck.

“We’ve been able to move a few of them home but the majority are physically fused to their seats and it will likely take Hard Rock time to get the remaining bodies out.”

Husselbuck said most of the employees are so stuck that authorities had to pry the chairs off the bases with a crowbar and send the bodies home attached to their seats.

“It’s challenging but we’ll get them home. The safety of each and every New Orleanian is our number one priority. Startingggggggggg now.”

For those concerned about the plan possibly disrupting city services, Mayor Cantrell said citizens need not worry.

“We like to set a standard of service that our citizens can count on and, although our employees’ bodies will now join their minds at home in their warm beds, we think New Orleanians will feel comfortable knowing absolutely nothing has changed,” said the mayor.