Louisiana can’t catch a break — or even a contagious virus quickly spreading around the world for that matter.
Despite aggressive international expansion plans, Chinese-based Coronavirus announced today it will not be including Louisiana in its US plans due to the state’s poor business environment.
“If Louisiana citizens want Coronavirus they’ll have to go to Texas or another state where the market is booming,” said a source in Governor John Bel Edward’s office speaking on the condition of anonymity and close to the futile negotiations.
Louisiana is already ranked among the worst in the nation for just about everything, as opportunities continue fleeing for the state’s more hospitable neighbors.
“Coronavirus is focusing on rapidly expanding its global footprint and told us it believes Louisiana is just not conducive to growth in any respect whatsoever.”
Despite offering highly attractive amenities like a population that is largely living in poverty, in poor health, and greatly apathetic that would make easy pickings for a disease, Coronavirus ultimately decided to bypass Louisiana as it ramps up US expansion plans.
“We’ve got to turn around our state,” the source said. “It’s truly a gut punch when an indiscriminate virus that is willing to go anywhere with its expansion plans says Louisiana just isn’t hospitable enough and rejects our state while going with just about any and everyone else.”
Despite being rejected after offering tens of dollars in tax credits in a last-ditch attempt to lure Coronavirus to Louisiana, Governor Edwards remains upbeat about the state’s future to attract an infectious disease.
“Look, the only thing that matters are the bookends that hold it [state rankings] altogether, and Louisiana is one of only two states, out of 50 I remind you, to have this great distinction,” Edwards told Neutral Ground News. “There are other viruses out there who are better fits for us, who will absolutely love our semi-tropical climate and at-risk population, and are ready to grow with us.”
Over the next 12 months, Coronavirus said it expects to expand to more than 200 countries. The ultimate goal is to be in every home, business, and school across the world within the next 24 months, of course excluding the great state of Louisiana.