Man returning from vacation regrets asking what he’s missed last 2 weeks

Don Kiebels

Old Metairie resident John Malcolm today found himself trapped listening to his neighbor talk for 10 straight hours after reluctantly asking what he had missed while at his isolated camp in Empire, Louisiana, for the past two weeks.

Malcolm, who says he should have gone straight inside when first getting back home, was not really looking to talk to anyone after pulling into his driveway. The neighbor, Jim, forced Malcolm’s unsanitized hand when he initiated small talk from their shared fence and immediately dove into several serious topics.

“I need another vacation,” a visibly exhausted Malcolm told Neutral Ground News from three-to-six feet away as he sat on his couch in underwear with the lights off. “Or at least a twelve-pack and a few bottles of Jack.”

Malcolm’s fishing camp in Empire is devoid of most modern technology and isolated from other people, creating a bubble where no breaking information about coronavirus could reach.

“Apparently, I shouldn’t go anywhere, see anyone, or do anything but stay inside the house. What the hell happened? Wait. Nevermind. That’s how I got into this mess in the first place.”

Admittedly, Malcolm says he was not ready to discuss anything, let alone serious topics like Covid-19, Disney shutting down, Italy going on lockdown, NBA, NCAA, MLB, and NHL canceling games, President Trump declaring a National Emergency, Governor Edwards closing all schools, the stock market tanking, flattening the curve, Russians, toilet paper shortages, Latoya Cantrell, St. Patrick’s Day parades being canceled or New Orleans meter maids being disciplined for drinking and twerking.

“It was a rookie mistake. I should have known better than to say anything. In fact, I try to avoid talking to or seeing people at all times anyway because, honestly, I hate everyone. But the vacation had put me in such a great mood that it forced a lapse in judgment that I truly regret. But according to what I’ve reluctantly been told, everyone is implementing something called ‘social isolation,’ so it may all have been worth it.”