New Orleans city officials unveiled a new plan today to keep curious eyes away from the body parts horrifyingly dangling from the partially collapsed Hard Rock Hotel on Canal Street after a tarp fell.
Mayor LaToya Cantrell said in a press conference that officials were up all night, with some even working past 4:15 p.m., to figure out a solution to stop onlookers from photographing the human remains and posting them to social media.
“To be clear, capturing or sharing images of the victims in such a condition is irresponsible, it is indefensible, and it is not who we are as New Orleanians. Out of respect to the victims and their families, and in the name of basic common decency, we urge news outlets, residents and social media users to have nothing to do with making a tragic situation needlessly worse,” Press Secretary LaTonya Norton said.
(EDITOR’S NOTE: This quote, sadly, is not satire and was really said by a New Orleans city spokesperson. Yes, they are really blaming residents for making the families feel bad, and not their own idiotic plan of covering up a body with a tarp.)
Cantrell’s plan, which comes on the heels helping designate the rubble of the Hard Rock Hotel as a “historic pile,” was put into action Wednesday morning as a gaggle of clowns throwing pies at each other was set up on the opposite side of Canal Street. Officials are hoping pedestrians will watch the clowns and their act instead of taking photos of the BODY PARTS DANGLING ABOVE A MAJOR STREET IN AN AMERICAN CITY.
Cantrell said the clowns will juggle bowling pins, squirt water from their flower lapels and make balloon animals shaped like giraffes and fish. The mayor added that those balloon animals will not have PIECES OF THEIR BODIES STICKING OUT OF A COLLAPSED HOTEL FOR ALL TO SEE.
If the clowns fail to grab people’s attention, Cantrell said other crowd-gawking acts may be used. One plan calls for a five-car pileup just down the road on Claiborne Avenue.
“People love to stare at a car crash and see what is going on,” the mayor said. “Hopefully a big crash at the intersection will draw onlookers there.”
Cantrell added that the staged car crash will not feature any injuries or GRUESOME PARTS OF HUMAN FLESH STICKING OUT FOR PEOPLE TO SEE.
Finally, if those acts do not work, Cantrell said she has one final, fool-proof option to distract onlookers.
“Boobs,” she said.
City officials will place women flashing their goods at select areas throughout the CBD and French Quarter to lure gawkers and their smartphones away from the Hard Rock Hotel site. Cantrell is hoping people will choose to photograph the boobs and post those pictures to social media.
“Isn’t that what New Orleans is really about? Women flashing their boobs for a little attention,” she said.
Family advocacy groups initially expressed concern over Cantrell’s nuclear plan, but they said it at least beats the alternative of THE ROTTING AND DECAYING CORPSE OF A POOR CONSTRUCTION WORKER BEING ON DISPLAY WITH NO PLAN TO REMOVE THE BODY BUT INSTEAD JUST PUTTING A TARP ON IT BECAUSE GOVERNMENT OFFICIALS HAVE NO BASIC HUMAN DECENCY.
When asked if the city has any immediate plans to remove the body, Cantrell shrugged and said her team is waiting for their order of a stronger and more durable tarp to better cover the legs to arrive.
“We ordered it through Amazon Prime, and it should get here today or tomorrow, she said.