Home-buying advice for the modern poor b*stard who doesn’t know any better

New Orleans Home-Buying Advice - Neutral Ground News - New Orleans News

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So… you wanna buy a homeCongratulations, you poor bastard who doesn’t know any better!

Let’s dive headfirst into what you can expect with some home-buying advice you absolutely need to read.

Let’s say the cost for your wonderful piece of the American Dream is $140K.

But you don’t have that much, so you gotta borrow. You can only put 3.5% down, so you gotta get insurance on the loan. Also, you gotta get insurance on the house. And there are taxes — are they sales tax or property tax? No one knows for sure…it’s just taxes.

You also have the closing costs. Now, either you can pay them or the seller can pay them. It depends on who blinks first as you stare longingly into each other’s eyes while also playing a game of knuckles.

You can roll all that stuff into the escrow account though, which is a huge black bird with the face of a snail, he can take as much of the closing costs as will fit in his mouth and fly it far, far away. If he reaches the misty mountains you won’t have to pay anything for the first 30 days.

Then you’ve got your troll fees — your waking nightmare percentage, which is anywhere from two to seven months off the back-end of your life.

You’ve gotta put deposits on all the souls of the children you plan on raising in the home or they might be born left-handed. And remember to burn sage in the backyard or you’ll always have ghosts of former dogs digging up the yard.

By the time it’s all done you’ve spent about $400K+ on that $140K home… And you’re like 65 years old now. You didn’t actually do anything. You just gave money to some asshat bank.

But if you keep renting, you’re just giving money to some asshat, so they can give it to some asshat bank. Because life is a scam, God is dead, and home-buying will give you an aneurysm.

You would honestly just be better off lighting yourself on fire right now. Though, I do recommend attending open houses only for their tasty, free finger sandwiches.

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