After an exhaustive 18-month investigation involving traffic counts, seafood consumption, daiquiri density, bridge crossing reluctance, unsolicited opinions on Facebook, and approximately 7,200 “Yeah, but…” statements, a bipartisan panel from the Louisiana Center for Grant Spending has concluded there is insufficient evidence to determine whether the West Bank is, in fact, the best bank.
The report, released earlier today, spans 1,842 pages and ultimately recommends “continuing to monitor the situation.”
Researchers said they entered the study believing an objective answer might exist.
“It became apparent almost immediately that every resident had already reached a conclusion years ago,” lead investigator Dr. Blaine Melancon said. “Unfortunately, none of them agreed.”
According to the report, West Bank residents consistently cited shorter commutes, better restaurants, and “people who actually know where they’re going.” East Bank residents responded by asking investigators why anyone would voluntarily cross the bridge.
The investigation was temporarily suspended after researchers attempted to locate a neutral resident for comment and concluded no such person exists.
A follow-up phase measuring quality of life, local pride, and frequency of saying “Y’all stay over there” was also abandoned after every respondent insisted their side wasn’t just better, but “always has been.”
Officials acknowledged there’s virtually no chance the findings will be accepted by anyone and emphasized the report should not be interpreted as taking sides, a clarification that immediately satisfied no one.
Researchers have already applied for an additional $2.8 million in grant funding to determine whether crossing the bridge changes people’s opinions or merely strengthens them.