A new poll conducted by the Gulf Institute of Selective Awareness shows New Orleans Sheriff Susan Hutson gaining strong support from a crucial voting bloc: residents who do not watch, read, or otherwise absorb any news whatsoever.
The demographic, known to pollsters as The Uninformed But Vibing, reportedly believes Hutson is either “doing great,” “the lady from the insurance commercials,” or “my Uber Eats driver that one time.”
“She seems familiar,” said one voter outside a Mid-City gas station. “Didn’t she win Top Chef or something?”
Political analysts say Hutson’s dip in traditional support has been offset by a surge among voters who scroll past headlines, never click links, and think sheriff is a ceremonial title.
“It’s a bold strategy,” said local political consultant Devon Mire. “She’s basically cornered the market on civic apathy.”
With campaign funds reportedly bottoming out, staffers have been seen taping Hutson flyers over old yard signs from other candidates, scribbling messages in bar bathroom stalls, and printing campaign materials on the backs of court summonses currently being mailed out.
The team insists this is part of a “deliberate grassroots efficiency model” aimed at reducing waste and expectations.
The campaign has faced growing media scrutiny over its dwindling finances and near-total collapse in fundraising.
“We’re not underfunded, we’re innovating,” said one aide. “She polls best with people who haven’t heard from us. So we’re leaning into that. Strategically.”
Neutral Ground News As news of a massive jailbreak airs live, diners remain focused on their meals, cementing Sheriff Susan Hutson’s lead in the key demographic of people who don’t watch the news.
At press time, the campaign had just unveiled a new slogan aimed at undecided voters: Susan Hutson: Honestly, It’s Probably Fine.
The campaign also picked up an unexpected endorsement from Derrick Groves, the final escapee from the recent Orleans Parish jailbreak, and OPP 10K winner, who remains at large.
Groves, who is said to be in the race for New Orleans mayor, reportedly left a glowing five-star Google review for the Orleans Justice Center that read:
“I fully endorse Sheriff Hutson. Without her leadership, I wouldn’t be where I am today, which I won’t reveal, obviously. Sheriff Hutson gave me something few elected officials ever do: opportunity. Not on purpose, but still. People talk about criminal justice reform, but Sheriff Hutson lives it. Under her watch, I experienced a system that’s flexible, loosely defined, and refreshingly optional. She showed me that with enough time, anything is possible. I wouldn’t be free to write this today without her. Please vote for Sheriff Hutson. I got some buddies inside who still wanna get out.”
Neutral Ground News A screenshot of the review briefly appeared online before it was removed — reportedly after someone at the Sheriff’s Office unexpectedly noticed it. The post had endorsed Hutson for her “flexible” leadership style.