New study finds other drivers conspiring to make you late

New study finds other drivers conspiring to make you late

Does traffic drive you crazy? Well, there’s more to that than you think.

Validating your long-held suspicions about those assholes you share the road with, potholes aren’t the only things trying to stop you in your tracks.

According to a new study published in the Journal of Confirmation Bias, the drivers you encounter while on the road are in fact conspiring to make you late wherever you go. Researchers found that the drivers who hurriedly pull out ahead of you and then proceed to go way below the speed limit, among other tactics, are doing so on purpose.

Kyle Smith, the lead author of the report, says the drivers who make you late every time you try to go somewhere are working in cahoots. Known as the Carstel, the network’s millions of members typically meet up once a month to discuss overall strategy, assign roles, and plan tactics. The rest of the month they use daily online conferencing to tweak their efforts for maximum effect.

“They meet secretly at random, off-the-grid locations to make sure the plans aren’t leaked,” Smith said, “and often have excellent hors d’oeuvres and an open bar all funded by those mysterious parking and speeding tickets you keep getting.”

Smith said you’ll recognize the assigned drivers as soon as the plan is put into action as typically the road will be clear behind you and instead of waiting a few seconds for you to pass they pull out directly in front of you forcing you to apply the brakes and curse without restraint.

“A lot of planning and coordination goes into making you late,” explained Smith, “The united effort among people of the Carstel — all races, sexes, ages, sexual preferences, religions, and vehicle types — is absolutely incredible. This may be the first time in human history that everyone has worked together for a purpose greater than ourselves. It’s truly inspiring.”

The study also found that these drivers have special sensors installed in their vehicles that detect your impatience and alert them if their tactics are working.

“Once the pace car’s sensors detect you are getting aggravated she will gradually slow down to increase your frustration and then trigger the sleeper drivers to activate their roles,” said Smith. “Eventually you’re boxed in and everyone has come to a full stop with no traffic light in sight.”

Counterintuitively, Smith believes slowing down is your best bet for beating the drivers and the clock. The study shows that when the situation is first developing you should go even slower than the pace car.

“Do not under any circumstances change lanes as this will only trigger the sensors in more cars and activate their contingency plan. In order to beat the game, you have to play the game.”

While rival drivers make plans to mess up your’s, it’s important to stay calm.

“Remember, you’re in the driver’s seat,” warned a snorting Smith.

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