The race for New Orleans mayor just picked up two unexpected candidates — both of whom remain at large. Derrick Groves and Antoine Massey, the last two escapees from the recent Orleans Parish Justice Center jailbreak, have now added “political hopefuls” to their rap sheets.
Their joint campaign message appeared on a balled-up napkin stuck to the wall of an unnamed gas station bathroom using what appeared to be chewed gum and possibly old ketchup. It is unclear when it was posted, who exactly placed it there, or whether it was even meant to be found — but the message was unmistakable.
Though filing as separate candidates, Groves and Massey stated they are running together. Regardless of who wins, they vow to share the office, perks, and “the good city credit card” with each other. According to the napkin statement, filing separately just doubles their chances.
“We’ve been on the run long enough to know how this city works,” the message read. “You don’t hide. You campaign.”
According to a discarded pizza box left at the doorstep of Neutral Ground News, the fugitives had scrawled yet another message furthering their announcement.
Groves and Massey believe their experience navigating alleyways, dodging locals and media, and slipping through institutional cracks makes them uniquely qualified to lead a city that practically runs on those same mechanics. “Running from the law prepared us to run the city,” Massey allegedly wrote. “If past mayors could get in and get away with so much, this is clearly where we belong.”
They acknowledged they aren’t the only candidates with questionable backgrounds but emphasized they’re the only ones who are already proven crooks. “You know our résumés. You’ve already seen the mugshots. We’re part of a long, proud tradition of New Orleans leadership that voters won’t have to question. You already know what you’re getting.”
In a pledge of loyalty and foresight, both men promised to appoint the eight already captured co-escapees and Orleans Parish Justice Center colleagues as department heads, pending completion of what they referred to as mandatory retraining in state corruption protocols. Sources claim at least one is currently shadowing a Sewerage & Water Board supervisor, while another is working through a city-issued ethics quiz for the third time.
Both candidates remain in hiding and say they will not appear in person unless elected. “We’ll proudly continue the long-standing tradition of local absence,” the statement reads. “As mayor, we plan to travel extensively… ideally to places without extradition treaties.”