Pothole vaulter from New Orleans wins Olympic gold in Paris

Pothole vaulter from New Orleans wins Olympic gold - Neutral Ground NewsNeutral Ground News

In an astonishing feat that left Olympic officials and spectators in awe, New Orleans’ own Evan Jones vaulted his way to gold in Paris, redefining what it means to overcome obstacles.

Evan Jones, a 24-year-old pothole vaulter from Lakeview, New Orleans, clinched the first Olympic gold medal for his hometown this millennium in a spectacular fashion. Competing in the men’s pole vault, Jones cleared a record-breaking height equivalent to Sinky, the infamous 2016 Canal Street ‘sinkhole‘, setting a new world record.

“I’ve been training for this my entire life,” Jones remarked, reflecting on his unique journey that began when he started hopping potholes at the tender age of three.

Growing up on the cratered streets of New Orleans, Jones was no stranger to navigating treacherous terrain. He credits childhood pets with sparking the discovery of his talent. “When I was little, we lost three dogs to potholes. They just fell right in—never saw them again. I made a promise right then and there that I wasn’t going to let that happen to me. So, I grabbed a tree branch and began hopping holes, and the rest is gold medal history. It’s surreal.”

Olympic officials were left speechless by Jones’ extraordinary display of athleticism. “I don’t know what they’re putting in the water in New Orleans, but we might have to start testing it,” said one vaulting judge who declined to be identified.

Greece’s Leonidas Pisteuris, who took home the silver medal after clearing a measly 19.7 feet, complained, “This is an outrage! It’s pole vaulting, not pothole parkour!” When asked for his response, Jones simply winked and said, “Y’all just gotta train smarter, not harder. I work with what I’ve got.”

Jones’ win has sparked a national debate: should pothole vaulting become an official Olympic sport? The International Olympic Committee is scrambling to address the issue, fearing an influx of competitors from Michigan and Pennsylvania.

In the meantime, Jones is enjoying his newfound fame, already mulling over lucrative endorsement deals from Red Bull and various bouncy castle manufacturers. Word on the street is Entergy New Orleans has even offered him a job to be their full-time maintenance worker, with the stipulation that he only use his pole vaulting skills to fix downed power lines.