In a stunning move meant to revolutionize Louisiana’s lagging education system, the state has decided to consolidate all its institutions of higher learning and replace the popular scholarship program TOPS with a new endowment.
Introduced as BOTTOMS, the novel program will aim to create the broad foundation needed for streamlining and rehabilitating the education system while also keeping Louisiana talent in-state. The move comes on the heels of the Jefferson Parish School Board approving plans to close, and combine schools.
According to the state’s newly installed superintendent, Col. Miranda Pic, BOTTOMS (Bringing Opportunities to Those That Often Misunderstand Success) will provide 100% free food, board, and tuition for all Louisiana residents, regardless of whether they are currently a student, once were, plan to be one day, or never will be. The only requirement is that they attend one of the state’s accredited institutions, now under the purview of the recently also consolidated Louisiana Department of Public Safety, Corrections, & Education.
Orleans Collage, one of the first institutions to sign on for the BOTTOMS probationary program, is already seeing the benefits of being an early adopter by boasting a student body of over 1,500 individuals currently on scholarship and a waiting list of over 4.6 million.
“We’re thrilled to see such overwhelming support for the BOTTOMS test program,” said Superintendent Pic. “Louisiana has fought ‘brain drain’ for quite some time with citizens leaving the state for other opportunities, but I have a feeling this initiative is going to lock up our homegrown talent like coach (LSU’s Brian) Kelly during recruiting.”
Louisiana’s new flagship institution, Angola State, boasts its self-sufficient status as a key point in the streamlined BOTTOMS program.
“We at Angola State are proud our institution is entirely self-sustaining and played a key role in helping develop BOTTOMS,” said headmaster Warden Phillips. “Our students learn responsibility, self-reliance, and discipline while making and growing everything they and our Amazon store customers need. Our blueprint has given the State a model for revolutionizing education.”
The preliminary reaction to the BOTTOMS program has been mixed, with some praising the state’s bold move while others are skeptical of the initiative. “I don’t know about BOTTOMS,” said one Louisiana resident. “But if they’re offering free food, sign me up.”
Superintendent Pic is excited about the prospects of the initiative, believing that BOTTOMS will finally entice all Louisiana residents, not just those blessed with book smarts, to stay in-state, increase its hard labor force, and grow the economy.
“It doesn’t matter who you are — absolutely everyone in Louisiana, whether you know about it or not, is eligible for BOTTOMS,” said Superintendent Pic. “I have reasonable suspicion that this program is going to seize our state by storm.”
Citizens like Terrytown resident John Ivey are excited about the prospect of bettering themselves.
“Finally, a scholarship program that doesn’t discriminate against those who aren’t good at math or science!” exclaimed Ivey. “I may not have been a straight-A student, but I sure know how to enjoy free food and board.”
Any Louisiana resident (or even those just passing through) interested in obtaining a BOTTOMS scholarship can click here for more information. You can also arrange an introductory meet-and-greet with the administration by making direct, forceful contact with any Louisiana Department of Public Safety, Corrections, & Education official.
“Louisiana residents deserve the best that money can buy, and the more BOTTOMS scholar heads we put in beds, the more we can buy,” said Pic. “Every cellblock in my being believes in the potential of this program. In fact, we have plans to build hundreds of new campuses across the state to handle the expected influx of resident-student inmates.”
Only time will tell if the unique program will truly revolutionize Louisiana’s education system. But for now, it seems that Louisiana’s future is BOTTOMS up.