Oppressed crawfish freed by animal rights activists in Bucktown

Oppressed crawfish freed by animal rights activists in Bucktown

Louisiana Satire Network - The Red Shtick Daily Crawfish Neutral Ground News

Patrons at Deanie’s Seafood in Bucktown will have to wait a few days for their next sacks of mudbugs after the store was broken into last night and over one million live crawfish were turned loose in the parking lot.

The People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals and the Animal Liberation Front have claimed responsibility for what they are calling a “liberation action.”

PETA and ALF released a joint statement saying:

“As Louisianans, we do this to call attention to, and prevent, the sanctioned, ongoing genocide of crayfish in our State. We are in solidarity with our crustacean brothers and sisters, and daily feel their agony, oppression, and exploitation. These peace-loving, gentle creatures have been uprooted from their homes, sold for a profit, crowded into squalid living conditions, and eventually are killed and masticated beyond recognition in the name of ‘a good time’ – often with large amounts of corn, potatoes, and beer. Their severed heads are sucked! This is cruel and unusual, and we will not let it continue. We had no choice but to act.”

The protesters took more than six dozen 50-pound sacks of live crawfish from storage and emptied them onto the parking lot in front of the store.

According to the statement, “The grateful crayfish were offered counseling to deal with their recent traumatic experiences, and several of the liberation team organized workshops to teach the crayfish how to make better meal choices to avoid fisherman’s traps.”

The Jefferson Parish Sheriff’s Office said the protesters should have given the crawfish lessons in how to cross the street, as most were killed when cars ran over them on Lake Avenue. The street became so slick Deputies had to close it for more than an hour this morning while cleaning crews worked to clear up the mess.

“It was one of the saddest things I’ve ever seen in my entire life,” said Deputy Aaron Flynt, first to arrive on the scene. “I don’t cry and this brought tears to my eyes thinking about all that we lost today. I just pray everyone takes this as an opportunity to pinch those tails a little tighter and suck the heads a little harder the next time you see yours.”

The PETA and ALF statement hinted at more actions in the future.

“Shrimp, Oysters, and Trump Supporters, we’re coming to save you, too! Crustaceans of the world, unite! You have nothing to lose but your sacks!”