In 2017, the team formerly known as the New Orleans Zephyrs won 55 games and lost 83. Yet, the club managed to draw 349,883 fans to home games to see a bunch of dudes in tight pants adjust themselves and eat sunflower seeds while Mitch Landrieu danced around in a diaper swinging a bat.
Now, that number is coming into question.
Officials with Minor League Baseball (MiLB) said today it is investigating allegations that thousands of New Orleans Baby Cakes fans who attended home games last season were actually paid by the team as crisis actors.
Cakes attendance shockingly increased by more than 10,000 fans from 2016 to 2017 despite protests from locals over the team’s name change from Zephyrs. This also came after authorities discovered Russian hackers had interfered with the public vote.
In April of last year, team officials announced that both attendance and merchandise for New Orleans’ Triple-A franchise were up significantly.
“People absolutely LOVE the Baby Cakes,” said General Manager Izzy Charas not long after the club had rebranded. “With the way things are going, we should have named ourselves the Hot Cakes!”
MiLB officials have been in contact with many “fans” who claim to be some of the crisis actors and are investigating to get more information.
“A thorough review is underway,” the league said in a written statement. “If the… what are they? Baby… Cakes? You sure? Well, that’s just awful… If the Baby Cakes did use crisis actors to fill their stadium, the team is subject to discipline. But really, we probably won’t do anything. We mean, it’s the Baby Cakes. We can kind of understand where they’re coming from, you know?”
According to a whistleblower who spoke with Neutral Ground News on the condition of anonymity, at least 4,500 people at each home game were professional actors, leaving only 1,000 or so masochists who for some reason attended willingly.
The actors were paid $1,000 as well as given unlimited Cakes Cash for free in-stadium alcohol, food, and happy endings, no matter how the team faired, each time they attended a game during the 2017 season. Some received $2,500 for a “speaking role,” which required them to cheer vigorously and noticeably at various times throughout the games, including posting check-ins, statuses, and photos on social media, according to Neutral Ground News interviews with the actors.
They were asked to sign non-disclosure agreements and instructed not to speak to the media or tell anyone they were being paid. However, one alleged actor says he was paid to attend games and wear team apparel out in public and while at The Shrine on Airline, home of the Baby Cakes.
“They paid us to sit through the games and clap every time the Baby Cakes took the field no matter what was happening,” said actor Randy Couilles who has starred in locally produced films Atchafalaya? But I Hardly Know Her, SwampAss, and Gueydan And Proud.
“From what I heard, they panicked after all the protests for the name change from Zephyrs because the Atlanta-based consultants they hired told them that people would love the new Baby Cakes brand but they didn’t, so they hired all of us to make it look like everyone did.”
Page noted he isn’t much of a baseball fan, though, instead preferring to follow the New Orleans Saints.
“It was downtime in the NFL, so I would get pretty bored while constantly hitting refresh on EPSN.com looking for Saints news. Besides, the Baby Cakes gave me free beer, food, and merchandise, and, well, I’m a cheap bastard.”
In a statement late yesterday, the Baby Cakes said it had hired outside counsel to handle the investigation. The team did not describe the allegations against the club.
“The New Orleans Baby Cakes take these allegations very seriously and are fully committed to a full investigation. We will be taking the appropriate steps to address any misconduct behind closed doors and please don’t ask us anymore because seriously haven’t we been through enough? We just still have a long, long season ahead and just want to put whatever all this is behind us,” the statement said.