Desperate crawfish asks for public’s help with missing persons cases

Neutral Ground News - New Orleans News - SatireDon Kiebels

A desperate crawfish is asking the public for help to find several missing friends and family.

Four days after every single friend, family member and resident in his community completely vanished, a concerned crawfish has filed 104,412 missing persons reports with the Kenner Police Department.

“The hardest part of writing up all those reports was that the crawfish didn’t have any names,” said Lt. Michael Warren, spokesman for the Kenner Police. “And even tougher is they all look alike — Delicious.”

Distraught crawfish asks for public's help with missing persons cases

According to the lone crawfish’s statement to investigators, he spent the last several days searching for his people but turned up empty. That’s when he approached local authorities for assistance.

“The officers told me they have some leads but they don’t want to divulge any information until they tie up some loose ends this Saturday. Then they’ll bring me in,” said the crawfish.

The police report indicates that prior to the incident the crawfish allegedly took a nap in a submerged boot in the Spillway and when he awoke everyone was gone, leaving no clues behind as to what happened or their whereabouts.

“The process for something like this is very simple but thorough. We take all the evidence, boil it down to its core and then let that information digest before we make any moves. I feel extremely confident we’ll have this case wrapped up by June,” said Lt. Warren.

Anyone with connections to any crawfish is requested to email Lt. Warren personally, preferably before this Saturday and using the subject line “Mike’s Boil.”