Hey, mister, throw it into high gear.
Fed up with constant breakdowns and long wait times between floats, Garden District resident Richard “Dick” Nieto said the Krewe of House Floats is the absolute worst parade in the history of New Orleans.
“I kept hearing how this Krewe of House Floats parade was going to be big so I grabbed a front-row spot for this here parade a few days before they released the map and I tell you what, the first float was absolutely beautiful but I’ve been staring at it for almost a week now. When is it going to move?!”
The Krewe of House Floats, which is in its first year, has prided itself on providing New Orleans with a substitute Mardi Gras experience during the COVID-19 pandemic like the Krewe of Parents. Though, some are not happy with it.
“Look, I’m New Orleans born and raised so I’m used to things not working on time, but this is beyond ridiculous. This first float has literally not moved an inch since I got here. And they ain’t throwing nothing! I just see the riders get on and off and doing a little wave. They may as well be doing a parade in San Francisco or for a homecoming.”
Nieto said he sensed this could be a problem when instead of the traditional farm tractors pulling the floats, he saw a 1997 Toyota Carolla parked outside the parade’s first float.
“It’s no wonder this parade isn’t moving. I’ve seen better cars pulled out of Bayou St. John than what they got out here,” he said.
Still, Nieto isn’t moving. In preparation for the parade, he stopped at Port Orleans for 3 cases of Bacchus Blonde beer (get your own here!) and Popeyes for a 20 piece Family Meal with mashed potatoes and red beans because God help you if you try to order cajun rice or green beans.
“I’m all set until Sunday. But if this parade doesn’t start moving soon, I’m going on the side of this float, damn it,” he said.