With the recent ‘Krewe of House Floats’ concept not getting much traction after being called the “worst parade ever,” Amazon has “floated” an idea it hopes will save one of the most beloved traditions in New Orleans.
At a press conference this past weekend at an unnamed bar, CEO Jeff Bezos announced that Amazon’s own ‘Krewe of Packages’ will begin rolling sometime this weekend and continue through Mardi Gras Day.
City officials were not pleased with the prospect of any uplifting news and immediately shut down the press conference. Though, Amazon then sent out a press release to finish the announcement.
The initial press release had it listed as ‘Crew’ and not ‘Krewe,’ but, according to Bezos, “some guy named Rusty from St. Bernard put us right.”
Bezos said the concept is simple: Anyone in the Greater New Orleans area can click on a special “Throw Me Something, (select your gender preference)” button at the Amazon homepage, order a selection of throws, and a “parade” of 5 to 10 Amazon trucks will pass by your house slowly while drivers honk their horns and toss your order out the window onto your lawn. Traditional Mardi Gras tunes blared from the trucks as they pass are also available but only through Amazon Music Unlimited. Ask your drivers for details on how you can sign up.
“Beads, trinkets, robes, cat trees, knick-knacks, order like normal or as you celebrate whatever it is. Amazon’s contactless parade is the wave of the future in New Orleans and beyond,” Bezos said. “If you don’t believe me, we already know. And you may want to rethink your position. Quickly.”
The date for the “parade” on your street will depend on the shipping preferences you select. Prime customers and government officials with “pull” will get priority.
Not to be outdone, the United Parcel Service (UPS) announced a similar program called ‘Krewe of Brown,’ while Federal Express plans to roll as ‘Krewe de FX.’
The Postal Service also considered getting on board with ‘Krewe of Express Mail,’ but logistics issues have prevented USPS from joining as they search for additional dumpsters and roadsides that can handle the surge in deliveries expected to overwhelm their current caches.
“I already get excited whenever I see the Amazon truck coming down my block,” said frequent Prime user Jessica Stephanie. “And now it’ll be Amazon trucks delivering stuff plus a Mardi Gras parade and I get to be at home? Homagawd! I think I just peed myself.”
It was unclear whether the introduction of the “Krewe of Packages” will interfere any with Amazon’s usual operations. Neutral Ground News reached out for comment but did not get clarification. ”I’m sorry,” Amazon spokesdevice Alexa said. “I’m having trouble understanding right now.”
Amazon, though, is not unique in this concept.
Food delivery services Blue Apron and Walmart announced last week they would be delivering live chickens and other gumbo ingredients by drone on Mardi Gras Day to rural Cajun villages that cannot celebrate with their traditional house-to-house parade on horseback and four-wheelers.
“This is absolutely great!” Stephanie said. “I just don’t know how the hell I’m going hide from my husband that I ordered a parade. Boxes are one thing. Mardi Gras in and outside of boxes is another.”