Controversial new law would allow businesses to deny service to left-handed individuals

In response to Left-Handed Day, members of "Right Now" protested earlier today on the steps of the state Capitol Building claiming "Lefties" are threatening to destroy Louisiana with their demands for special treatment.Don Kiebels

Business owners in Louisiana would have the right to turn left-handed customers away because of religious beliefs under a new bill scheduled to be introduced in the next legislative session.

My brother is left-handed. Some of my best friends are left-handed,” said state Senator Jay Lysenko, the bill’s sponsor. “I love them just the same, but I don’t think it’s right to force a business owner to cater to their needs when their beliefs say otherwise.”

Supporters of the bill say it will keep the state’s government from forcing business owners to act in ways contrary to strongly held religious beliefs. Opponents say it is discriminatory.

“We don’t care what Lefties do with their hands in the privacy of their homes, but when they are out in public it is a right-handed world. Plain and simple,” said Kerry Hill, executive director of Right Now, a national organization that champions traditional, right-handed life and brainchild of the #GetYourHeadRight social media campaign.

“Being left-handed is unnatural. It’s a choice. Most of these so-called ‘Lefties’ just want attention and special privileges. It’s civil rights, not civil lefts.”

Left Hanging: Bill would allow Louisiana businesses to deny service to Left-Handers

If the law passes, this proposed “refusal of service” sign could be seen in the windows of businesses that choose to not serve Left-Handers.

Religious leaders who back the bill, like reverend Jed Scrilla of the First Holy Church of Tax Exemption, cite Bible passages as evidence of why the law needs to be passed.

God doesn’t approve of the Leftie lifestyle. In the Gospel of Matthew, Jesus clearly says that when he returns he will set the good people on his right hand, offering them eternal paradise, and the bad people on his left hand, cursing them to everlasting fire,” Scrilla said.

Scrilla noted that history is also on his side, pointing to one of humanity’s ancient languages as a basis for his evidence.

“In Latin, the word for ‘left’ is ‘sinister,’ so our ancestors clearly had an idea that something wasn’t right with left. I mean, they apparently even have their own day where they celebrate their depravity while flaunting their limp right wrists around, can you believe that? So, I commend Senator Lysenko for protecting the God-given rights of business owners to lose money as we see fit.”

According to research performed by the American Society of Bored Scientists, about 90 percent of the entire human population is right-handed while 10 percent is left-handed. An indeterminate number of people are described as bi-dextrous.

Sydney Sinestra, legal director of the National Center for Left-Handers Rights, said civil rights and LH groups are working closely together in a concerted effort to block the bill.

“Being a Leftie, I know how tough it is with almost everything being made for Righties and the discrimination we face. We drive on the right side of the road yet we steer from the left side of the car. It makes you think that one day maybe Lefties and Righties might be able to coexist.”