New Orleans — you are now completely on your own.
Shocking locals and city leaders alike, God has announced He will be closing the pearly doors to His New Orleans division of Guardian Angels at the end of next month. This stunning Act of God reportedly is due to the city’s recent increase in crime, causing what the Almighty deems “unsafe working conditions” for His team members.
In a release written by a Divinely inspired Don Kiebels, editor of Neutral Ground News, God cited several recent incidents for ultimately deciding to withdraw from New Orleans including when the golden halos of two of His guardian angels were stolen at gunpoint and when another was the victim of an attempted mugging as she watched over a homeless man.
“The safety and security of My team members is of the utmost importance to Me,” God stated. “We may be immortal, but we’re not masochists — at least not since the Old Testament. It is My will to shut down operations in New Orleans. So let it be done.”
The release, which was sent to Gov. John Bel Edwards and Mayor LaToya Cantrell earlier today, decried the rising crime and “unending prayers” by locals in peril that have overwhelmed His angels.
“We answer every single prayer — maybe not in the way that is expected, but we do,” a burning bush in Jackson Square speaking on God’s behalf said.
“Over the last year, we’ve been flooded with calls for help, especially with the NOPD’s response rate down, and it’s stretching us thin, putting our team members on very dangerous ground.”
More than a dozen New Orleans-based angels have filed complaints with God over the last year, calling the working conditions in the city unsafe and that an imminent danger exists for them, according to the release.
“I cannot stress enough how serious the lack of safety in New Orleans has become for our team,” the burning bush noted.
“Our Board of Directors has tried to find solutions to make it work but the city is like Hell on Earth right now, and that war isn’t scheduled to take place until 2021.”
Chairman of the board Simon Peter told Neutral Ground News that God’s concerns came to a head when his only Son, Jesus Christ, recently went missing in the city after making a visit to review the division’s operations.
“We still haven’t found Jesus. Right now, all we can do is pray and wait for His return,” Peter said, who revealed Christ has been unreachable for three days now.
“It has been a great 300-year run and we thank the community for its incredible support with all the street names, churches, and the sports team,” Peter said. “But everyone saw this coming, especially God, and, unfortunately, the end is here.”
Mayor Cantrell spokesman Steve Mayer said City officials are responding to God’s concerns with a tactical plan in the hopes of changing His mind. While he declined to go into specifics, Mayer said parking meter cameras and even lower speed zone thresholds have been approved to increase security across the city.
“Having businesses thrive and feel safe, that’s a priority and will remain a priority throughout Mayor Cantrell’s term, as soon as she gets back from being out of town,” he said.
Meanwhile, locals have expressed despair about God’s decision, some saying it gives the city a black eye and makes it even more dangerous while others have asked Jesus to take the wheel, not knowing He himself is missing in the Crescent City.
“The police don’t come. Guardian angels don’t come,” Central City resident Noah Guy lamented. “What are we supposed to do now?”
Trying to reassure locals, Peter said that eventually the meek will inherit the city, adding that despite closing the New Orleans division, the Big Guy is not forsaking its people.
“He helps those who help themselves.”
While a longshot, Peter said God has not permanently closed the door on possibly opening a new location sometime in the future.
“Look, He works in mysterious ways. You just have to trust in Him to do what’s best. He’ll always be watching the situation in New Orleans. And when the time comes to return, you’ll know.”