After yet another mass shooting in the United States, authorities across the nation are advising citizens, from this day forward, to always assume anything that sounds even remotely like firecrackers is, in fact, gunfire until proven otherwise.
“Witnesses always say ‘I thought it was just firecrackers’ before they realize what’s actually happening,” said Assistant Deputy Director Tom Lococo of the Federal Bureau of Investigation. With several politicians calling for stricter gun control measures in response to the tragedy, Lococo said the FBI has developed a new system that can be implemented immediately across the country.
“To reduce the number of victims in potential future tragedies, we are advising that whenever you hear anything that sounds like fireworks — even when watching an actual fireworks display — or any loud sound for that matter, you now are to always assume it’s gunfire. Get down, keep your head down, find a safe spot to hold up, and wait until authorities give an all-clear sign.”
To quickly get the word out about the new initiative while politicians bicker about gun control, law enforcement authorities dove deep into the archives and revived Bert the Turtle of Duck and Cover fame from the Cold War. Bert will be appearing in new TV spots later this month reminding people to assume all loud sounds are gunshots with the campaign “Heard a loud noise? Duck and cover!”
Law enforcement has revived Bert the Turtle of “Duck and Cover” fame from the Cold War. Bert will be appearing in new TV and online spots later this month reminding people to assume all loud sounds are gunshots until proven otherwise.
“I’m not sure what else we can do,” New Orleans resident Harry Fernandez said after seeing the numbing news of a gunman in Las Vegas killing more than 50 people and seriously injuring over 400 others. “It seems the only way to reduce the number of victims in tragedies like this is to assume the absolute worst at all times.”
According to the Guinness Book of World Records, the United States has hosted over half of the world’s deadliest mass shootings that have occurred in the past 50 years.
The FBI’s preliminary list of sounds that could be confused with gunfire and, if heard, should now be presumed lethal until notified otherwise, include:
• Fireworks
• Muffler backfiring
• Power transformer exploding
• Garbage truck emptying a dumpster
• Thunder
• Hammering
• Lightbulb breaking
• Cap guns
• Bat hitting ball at baseball game
• Politicians (any caliber)
• Shawn Mendes
“It’s a shame, but in this day and age in America, we need to take all the precautions we can and that starts with changing the public’s sense of fireworks and other loud noises to be perceived as life-threatening sounds. From today on, like Bert says, duck and cover if you hear any loud noise,” Lococo said.
