The struggles for the New Orleans Saints are finally over, may they rest in peace.
Franchise officials said the team was euthanized early this morning after battling several “aggressive degenerative conditions” that ultimately became unmanageable over the last season and raised concerns about the team’s “overall viability.”
According to a statement released by the franchise, the Saints had suffered for months and the Head Medical Team Physician Dr. Adam Flynn made the “difficult but necessary decision” to euthanize the team after its condition recently worsened.
“Despite some optimism last Summer, the Saints’ condition took a drastic downturn in mid-September and never recovered,” Dr. Flynn said. “The quality of the team was compromised so we made the humane decision to euthanize it.”
Team doctors began noticing minor symptoms last Spring and initially managed them with a combination of duct tape, Shinola, and blissful ignorance. The condition reportedly became aggressive in August and quickly began ravaging the team’s body of work. By November, treatment only delayed the inevitable.
“It was heartbreaking to see the Saints breakdown mentally, physically, and losingly over the last few months,” Dr. Flynn said. “Game after game you could see the condition worsening as their minds and hearts were saying to do one thing and their body of work just wasn’t responding.”
Coach Dennis Allen, who was there with both general manager Mickey Loomis and the Saints at the end, said in a statement the decision to euthanize the team was “tinged with regret, sorrow, even thoughts of what might have been.”
“It’s always hard to say goodbye but this was truly for the best,” Allen said. “I treasure the good memories we made together but it was time to set them free from the suffering. They will be missed not only by staff but also by the fans they’ve played in front of for five and a half decades in New Orleans.”
Sources within the franchise say owner Gayle Benson hinted she will adopt brand new Saints later this Spring to help everyone “turn those frowns upside down.”