In what city officials are calling “a proud moment for settling,” the New Orleans Sewerage & Water Board has officially named a new executive director following a months-long national search that concluded when one remaining applicant didn’t block their number.
The identity of the new director has not been released, reportedly because their paperwork is currently buried somewhere in a filing system made up of unlabeled manila folders, index cards, and what investigators recently described as “a time capsule of 1983.”
The unnamed candidate, whose résumé includes “some water stuff” and “a strong stomach,” emerged as the frontrunner after answering a call and not immediately hanging up—something the hiring committee described as “a rare and promising trait.”
They’ll be stepping into the soggy shoes of outgoing director Ghassan Korban,
The new director replaces Ghassan Korban, who resigned after finally admitting the pumps might not, in fact, be powered by hope alone.
Sources close to the selection committee say the candidate first expressed interest after stumbling across an article about former Sewerage & Water Board head Cedric Grant retiring with a six-figure pension despite a tenure marked by flooding and public outrage. “I knew right then,” the new hire allegedly said, “this was the place for me.”
“This was a rigorous, transparent process,” said a city spokesperson. “We reached out to dozens of qualified individuals, and once they all declined, we regrouped and asked ourselves: ‘Who’s still picking up the phone?’”
In a brief statement, the new director said,
“Look, I may not know where the pumps are or how any of this works, but I am here—and in this city, that counts for something.”
The new executive director will begin immediately after signing the city’s traditional waiver of accountability.