Scientists confirmed today that a new program is underway to extract and cryogenically store the full “fan essence” of Saints and Pelicans supporters, a process designed to protect fans from further exposure to the current state of both franchises.
Researchers stress this is not quitting. It is emotional preservation.
Each extracted essence contains everything tied to a fan’s sports identity, including belief, loyalty, long-term optimism, and the faint memories of better seasons.
Once removed, fans enter a calm, flattened state that technicians describe as “sports lobotomy.” Subjects can still watch games, but the emotional response is flatlined. Several reported turning one on, watching a few plays in silence, then realizing they could not identify a single emotion they were supposed to be feeling.
“This is not about freezing people. We are freezing the part of them that still cares. This process places whatever hope they had left into a controlled deep-freeze,” said one technician standing beside cold-storage shelves lined with softly glowing canisters.
“We can keep these stable, but we cannot restore them until the teams are fixed. That requires a level of leadership we have never detected.”
The breakthrough procedure works by extracting the part of a fan that once believed things might improve, then storing it in sub-zero suspension until measurable competence returns to either franchise.
Early trial results show that post-extraction fans experience no rise in blood pressure during Saints goal-to-go scoring situations, no stress from another Pelicans third-quarter collapse, and no urge to debate draft decisions and picks, or lack thereof.
Neutral Ground News Researchers say this is a typical emotional state for fans whose essence has already been stored.
Several described the feeling as the healthiest they’ve been since 2009.
Researchers say demand for the procedure has already exceeded anything they planned for. The lab’s private intake system, which was meant to remain confidential during the beta phase, reportedly crashed within seconds after details leaked to the public.
“This was supposed to be a controlled rollout,” said the lead scientist while watching a monitor cycle through a permanent error message. “We designed the system for a few dozen early volunteers, not tens of thousands trying to sign up at once.”
Because the program is still experimental, staff caution that it may take considerable time to sort through the surge.
“If you attempted to sign up before the crash, please be patient,” the technician said. “We will process requests in the order they were received. For now, your best option is to live your life and wait for us to contact you.”
At this time, the lab cannot release instructions, links, or official intake information, citing fears it would immediately collapse again and “start performing at the same level as the organizations we are trying to compensate for.”
Instead, officials say the best way to receive updates is to monitor whatever channels leaked it in the first place, or just ask around.