Getting in on the holiday season action and the jingling of donation cups, the City of New Orleans has unveiled its exclusive Cyber Monday extravaganza, promising discounts so good, you’d feel like you’re practically stealing them. Whether you’re a local, an out-of-towner, or a snooping FBI agent, the city promises if you have the money it has a deal for you!
Aside from discounting parking tickets and meter maid skip passes, this exclusive sale promises a tantalizing array of city assets up for grabs. From credit cards and transportation to board appointments and apartments, everything in the city is available — even the ‘best-kept-secret’ slush funds are fair game.
“We’re practically giving away security services. Act fast and we’ll throw in a parade permit, no questions asked!” said Mayor LaToya Cantrell.
Another exclusive deal offers best-in-class pensions at a fraction of the pay-in price, because who needs retirement worries when you’re living the Big Easy life?
But wait, there’s more! For those eying New Orleans from afar with a mix of curiosity and gentrifying intentions, there’s a special treat. Free shipping on all city items for aspiring ‘cultural saviors’ who haven’t quite mustered the courage to set foot in the Big Easy yet. “It’s like Amazon Prime, but for urban development,” the Mayor quipped.
As part of the City of New Orleans Cyber Monday Deals, there’s a deal that seems almost too good to be true – plea bargains packaged as ‘Get Out of Jail Free’ and ‘No-Prosecution’ cards. However, this deal is more of a novelty time. “Every citizen already possesses this ‘deal’ by default, rendering it more of a symbolic gesture to put things ‘in writing,’ like one of those ‘you own a star’ certificates,” said District Attorney Jason Williams.
For the ambitious dreamers out there, the deal of the day is nothing short of mind-blowing. Ever fancied yourself as the mayor? Well, now’s your chance! In a bold move that can only be described as governance meets Airbnb, the deal of the day offers the chance to be the in-town mayor until January 12, 2026. For a limited time, you can trade in your regular job for the chance to lead the city from the illustrious City Hall. However, travel is excluded. Mayor Cantrell assures us it’s a steal of a deal, and who are we to argue with the mayor?
In true New Orleans fashion, there isn’t a working website for which to get these deals. Instead, interested parties are encouraged to leave cash-filled, unmarked envelopes containing their contact information and the specific deal they desire at the front desk located at 1300 Perdido St, New Orleans, LA 70112. Please address the envelope to “ATTENTION: LC.” For those with unique tastes or a desire for a deal not explicitly listed, don’t hesitate to make an offer.
While Cyber Monday marks the beginning of these deals as it relates to the calendar, they will be available year-round for those willing to meet the price.