Getting in on the holiday season action and the jingling of donation cups, the City of New Orleans has once again unveiled its exclusive Cyber Monday extravaganza, promising discounts so good you’d feel like you’re practically stealing them.
Whether you’re a local, an out-of-towner, or a federal agent assigned to “monitor the situation,” the city promises if you have the money, it has the deal.
Aside from discounting parking tickets and meter-maid skip passes, this annual sale unlocks a tantalizing buffet of city assets.
From credit cards and transportation perks to board appointments and apartments, everything is available… even the best-kept-secret slush funds are fair game.
“We’re practically giving away security services. Act fast and we’ll throw in a parade or building permit, no questions asked!” said outgoing Mayor LaToya Cantrell, who insists this is the city’s most generous sale yet.
This year’s newest doorbuster draws inspiration from the fresh budget deficit now hanging over City Hall. With mayor-elect Helena Moreno already warning that some City Hall jobs may face cuts, the city has decided to get ahead of the news by placing a “Build-Your-Own City Hall Department” kit on sale.
It includes one empty office, a swivel chair from the Nagin era, and your choice of either a badge, a lanyard, or a solemn promise that your position probably won’t be cut before you get to use it.
One City Hall worker, speaking off the record, summarized it this way: “It ain’t my sh!t. And with these cuts coming, I’m trying to get mine while I still have a desk.”
Another exclusive deal offers best-in-class pensions at a fraction of the usual pay-in price, because who needs retirement worries when you’re living the Big Easy life?
But wait, there’s more.
For those eyeing New Orleans from afar with a mix of curiosity and lightly gentrifying enthusiasm, there’s a special treat: free shipping on all city items for aspiring cultural “rescuers” and “ambassadors” who haven’t yet mustered the courage to actually set foot here.
“It’s like Amazon Prime, but for urban development,” the Mayor quipped.
As part of the Cyber Monday Deals, the city is also offering plea bargains packaged as “Get Out of Jail Free” and “No-Prosecution” cards.
District Attorney Jason Williams clarified these are mostly novelty items. “Every citizen already has this deal by default. This is more of a symbolic gesture, like one of those ‘name a star’ certificates.”
For the ambitious dreamers, the deal of the day remains is a real showstopper.
Ever wanted to be mayor? Now’s your chance.
In a bold mashup of governance and Airbnb logic, the city is offering the chance to serve as in-town mayor until January 12, the day
mayor-elect Moreno officially takes over.
Step into leadership, make big decisions, and enjoy all the perks of incumbency without fixing a single streetlight.
Travel not included, but stress is complimentary.
In true New Orleans fashion, there still isn’t a working website for any of these deals.
Instead, interested parties are encouraged to leave cash-filled, unmarked envelopes containing their contact information and the specific deal they desire at the front desk of 1300 Perdido St, New Orleans, LA 70112.
Please address the envelope to “ATTENTION: LC.”
Those seeking something not listed are welcome to make their own offer, provided it’s handwritten and includes a “don’t ask, don’t tell” clause.
While Cyber Monday marks the ceremonial kickoff for these deals, they remain available year-round for anyone willing to meet the price or the pressure.
