New Orleans Pelicans general manager Dell Demps has been fired eternally.
The ground beneath Pelicans headquarters in Metairie began shaking violently early this morning as the franchise was in the process of firing Demps. Moments later, the floor split open to reveal a fiery abyss as Satan arrived to collect his newest possession.
“No one could believe what we were seeing, well, apparently except for Dell,” said one baffled Pelicans employee who asked not to be named but should really have taken that up with his parents years ago.
According to witnesses, Demps appeared not to be shocked by the situation at all. In fact, no kicking, screaming, weeping or gnashing of teeth here. He seemed resigned to the fact he was being taken to hell.
NBA Analyst Adam McCreary said the demise of Demps rests on the many deals he made over the years that ultimately fell short dooming the team, including his now public trade with Satan.
“Demps played with fire for much of his disappointing tenure and he finally got burned,” said McCreary. “A good general manager knows you never make a deal with the devil. The road to hell is paved with good intentions and Satan is always on the winning end of any trades he makes.”
Demps shocked league executives two seasons ago when he pulled off one of the most unlikely trades in NBA history by acquiring three-time all-star DeMarcus Cousins from the Sacramento Kings for three Subway coupons and some bits of string. Though Cousins left the Pelicans and signed with the Golden State Warriors in the offseason, analysts originally called the embattled GM’s signing “one hell of a deal.”
“I don’t know how he managed to get that deal; it’s a damn near miracle,” one general manager for an Eastern Conference team said at the time.