State officials distributing sandbags to LSU fans ahead of approaching shitstorm

Neutral Ground News - New Orleans News - SatireDon Kiebels

Louisiana officials are bracing for what is expected to be another horrifying performance by the LSU football team on Saturday.

Parishes across Southeast Louisiana have opened emergency sandbag distribution locations for LSU fans needing somewhere to stick their heads and believe it’s still the 2019 season rather than watch the 2020 Tigers this weekend lose embarrassingly for the third straight game and sixth time in nine games.

“We’ve been watching this shitstorm for a while now and tracking its progress,” said Ascension Parish Emergency Manager Chief Austin Wright.

“If you can, opt-out. Opt-out now. This thing has gotten worse and worse, so please take it seriously and start preparing now if you haven’t already.”

This Saturday’s game against the 6th ranked Florida Gators follows LSU’s 55-17 drubbing by the Alabama Crimson Tide last week in which the Tigers were 29.5 point underdogs — the largest total for a defending national champion in the past 40 seasons — doing incalculable damage to the psyches of fans and the LSU football program as a whole. Forecasters believe LSU will face a similar impact from the Gators, potentially crippling an already weakened team.

“This is a serious situation, and we want all fans to be prepared for the potential effects that this perfect storm of awful football will bring,” Louisiana Gov. John Bel Edwards said in an emergency press briefing on Wednesday.

“The surge this shitstorm generates is expected to be massive, so we are going to have to bury our heads deep. The deeper the better.”

In Baton Rouge, sand will be available outside of Tiger Stadium from 9 a.m. to kickoff on Saturday. Locations will also be set up in Metairie at the Purple and Gold Shop on Veterans Avenue and in New Orleans at City Hall, where city officials have perfected the practice of burying their heads in the sand.

Officials will be checking IDs and LSU fandom at these locations. People are asked to bring their own shovel, gloves, and favorite memories of Joe Burrow. Officials ask that fans only take what they need.

“We ask that LSU fans be patient with parish workers filling sandbags, and with everyone else coping with this intensely bad season,” Edwards said.

“Prepare, then hunker down for the shitshow. Listen to local media and authorities. While the worst should be behind us by 10 p.m. Saturday, please remember that the season is not over. Oh yeah, and be sure to wear a mask when burying your head for maximum protection.”