North Korea targets New Orleans for donation of foreign aid

NK to NO: North Korea launches a foreign aid drive for New OrleansDon KiebelsNK to NO: North Korea announced it has launched a foreign aid drive for New Orleans.

Taking a pause from the continuous rhetoric of nuclear threats, North Korean leader Kim Jong-un announced today his country will immediately be sending “as much aid as possible” to New Orleans in an unprecedented humanitarian effort to help the impoverished city rebuild amidst recent disaster after disaster after disaster after disaster after disaster.

Kim was briefed yesterday on the developing shitshow in New Orleans and said the situation in the Crescent City is “alarming,” the official Korean Central News Agency (KCNA) reported. The statement follows weeks of threats by Kim to fire bottle rockets toward Guam as tensions rose between the reclusive nation and the United States.

“The Supreme Leader has ordered the Ministry of Foreign Affairs to extend aid to New Orleans in any way and as soon as possible,” North Korean Foreign Minister Ri Yong-ho said.

Decked out in a Defend NOLA, North Korean Supreme Leader Kim Jong Un talks with a reporter about his nation's move to help the impoverished city of New Orleans.

Decked out in a fashionable Defend NOLA shirt, North Korean Supreme Leader Kim Jong-Un talks with a State reporter about his nation’s unprecedented humanitarian effort to help the impoverished city of New Orleans.

North Korea, which has never been known for its humanitarianism, reportedly will send medicines, clean water, blankets, pothole mix, and other needed items including money, though local leaders will not be entrusted with any of the supplies.

“It is up to the great people of North Korea to help the citizens of New Orleans in their time of need,” Ri stated. “With the way things are there—the government corruption, the rampant crime, the high poverty, the crumbling infrastructure—I thank my lucky stars I was born in North Korea. It truly is a sad situation that needed immediate attention and we are committed to offering our undivided focus. We are ready to assist New Orleans in becoming a better New Orleans.”

New Orleans is one of the poorest and most mismanaged cities in the first world, according to UN indicators.

“The standard of living has deteriorated to levels of deprivation in which the right to security, health, employment, and other minimum needs are essentially ignored by leadership,” according to a recent report by the of Division of Urban Research (DUR).

Kim called the leadership of the regime in New Orleans “horrendous,” noting that his nation has a more up-to-date and reliable drainage system in its capital city of Pyongyang.

“There are some very unfortunate people there because of the tyrannical Cantrell regime’s actions and non-actions. I weep at the thought of what those people must go through while living under the rule of such an amateurish so-called leader,” Kim said in his statement.

As a city in the United States, however, New Orleans is a laughingstock that can barely keep itself above water, which is why some analysts think the city may sink at some point below the Gulf’s waters, or undergo rebellion by citizens fed up with disastrous economic policies and relentless crime.

While it’s difficult to get accurate information about New Orleans – due to government transparency – refugees and other sources of information have helped outsiders sketch the city’s long, dark history of corruption and funds misappropriation, leading it to become one of the weakest, most dilapidated economies in the first world.

The latest Korea Central News Agency report said Kim ordered his top officials today to scrounge together whatever money they could find, even if they had to resort to hosting bake sales, car washes, and shakedowns, to assist New Orleans. The report also said the nation will be sending a delegation of its foremost drainage, security, and financial experts to help with the city’s development.