Locally-developed “Go-Bag” aims to make muggings more efficient

Neutral Ground News - New Orleans News - Satire

Go-BagFumbling through pockets to give a mugger your possessions could soon be a thing of the past, thanks to a new product that claims it will make muggings more efficient.

Opptown Ltd., a New Orleans-based company, has developed revolutionary technology that it says will make armed robberies go more smoothly and reduce transfer time.

“What do all muggings have in common? Slow exchange rates,” Jenny Montoya, CEO of Opptown said. “This is 2017, yet we’re still making transfers the same way they did in the 1800s. Shock, yelling, gun pointing, peeing, tossing of valuables — a lot of wasted time.”

Thanks to Opptown’s new product, the Go-Bag, both novice and seasoned mugging victims will soon have the ability to take matters into their own hands. The Go-Bag is a polyethylene tote sack designed to hold all of a user’s personal possessions, like a mobile phone, wallet, and anything else of value, for easy access and transfer.

“I’ve been mugged twice in my life and both times I couldn’t get my things to the mugger quickly enough. It’s embarrassing,” said local Jamar Wamsley. “Here I am born and raised in New Orleans and I don’t know how to properly participate in a mugging. My friends ask if I hate seafood, too.”

According to the product’s description, once a holdup begins the victim pulls on the Go-Bag’s handle in their back pocket and then simply slides it out. At this point, the mugger takes hold of the bag and goes, free to perform another job. The simplified process has been coined the “pull, out, and go” method, and decreases the average mugging time from 20 seconds to just over three.

“Think of it like a relay race, handing a baton to the next person. Our product will allow for that smooth of transfers. It really is revolutionary,” said Montoya.

Muggers are particularly thrilled with the product’s potential.

“It definitely looks promising. Anything that makes my job more efficient and brings in more money,” long-time thief Robin Ewe said. “I have six kidnapped kids to feed at home.”

While potential muggees, like Wamsley, are hopeful the product can improve their street cred.

“I want muggers to know they can count on me. Third time’s the charm, right?”

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