FEMA: New Orleanians under 10 feet tall must raise body height

FEMA: New Orleanians under 10 feet tall must raise body heightDon Kiebels

With New Orleans experiencing a near-miss with Hurricane Barry and avoiding a potentially unprecedented situation, the Federal Emergency Management Agency today issued a new mandate to prepare for the future by requiring area residents who are under 10 feet tall to raise their body height.

Ten feet is now the minimum elevation level approved by the federal government for bodies living in flood-prone areas.

“We are very concerned that many area residents are woefully below acceptable heights, which puts them at high risk for soaking,” said FEMA Deputy Director Oscar Eluvies.

Eluvies says the requirement can be met through the purchase of newly approved anti-flood technology currently sold by partner insurance companies.

“We’ve tested these stilts and they are state-of-the-art for body flood protection. We’re working extremely hard with the insurance companies to make sure everyone with money has access to these resources,” said Eluvies.

According to the US Department of Health and Human Services, the average adult man is 5 feet 9 1⁄2 inches while the average adult female is 5 feet 4 inches.

“Stilts are absolutely a necessity. But we also are advising residents to purchase body flood insurance to further protect his or her figure from potential saturation as well as pothole insurance in case the stilts become nubs. ”

Though, the deputy director recommends policyholders check their terms of coverage sooner than later.

“Be sure you know what your body flood policy does and doesn’t cover. Is termite damage to the stilts covered? Will taking a shower void the policy? Will a bath? Maybe both? You don’t want to leave figuring that out to us. Believe me.”

FEMA reportedly issued the mandate in response to recent studies that revealed many locals have been able to accumulate some disposable income over the last year.