Wanting to suppress decades of dreadful losses and disheartening frustration deep into their subconscious, thousands of New Orleans Saints fans are petitioning the team to please, please, please for the love of God celebrate only the 12 winning years — not all 50 seasons.
The Saints, which first kicked off in 1967, is celebrating its 50th anniversary in the NFL. The team built a special website Saints50.com and is wearing special patches on its jerseys to commemorate its star-crossed history.
Though, the fan who started the petition believes the team doesn’t need to include the shitshow years in this anniversary season, which is built mainly on embarrassing, inexplicable, and downright ugly losses.
“All 50 seasons? That’s like celebrating the time I blew out the toilet after eating Taco Bell just because it happened. It wasn’t pretty and it’s best if it’s never thought about or mentioned ever again,” said Caleb Davis, a self-proclaimed Who Dat since 1971.
Davis, who says how the team performs every week affects him in his daily life, thinks that remembering the past can be extremely distressful when we’re trying to build a better present and future.
“I’ve got debilitating PTSD from this team going all the way back to John Gilliam running the franchise’s opening kickoff for a touchdown and us still losing the game. Hell, some of the things I’ve seen over the last few seasons has me flashing back to the days of Ditka,” Davis said.
According to local neurologist Dr. Kenzie Brown of Ochsner Medical Center, most long-time fans of the Black and Gold suffer from Post Traumatic Saints Disorder, a medical condition that often makes the afflicted person vastly more cynical and pessimistic and can include flashbacks, nightmares, and anxiety.
“The condition is typically triggered by flashpoint occurrences such as costly turnovers or big plays gained by the opponent which can bring back memories of the emotional trauma from the past and are accompanied by intense emotional and physical reactions, such as cursing at or throwing objects at the TV,” said Dr. Brown, with the most effective treatment being the Saints winning.
Over 814,000 Who Dats have already signed Davis’ petition that he plans to submit to the Saints later this week.
“Like many fans, I don’t want to remember going 1-15. I don’t want to remember the Browns throwing a last second hail mary to beat us on Halloween or Joe Montana turning our black and gold to black and blue or John Carney missing a simple extra point after an improbable game-tying play or Aaron Brooks throwing a backward pass to no one. I’m all about revisionist history. Strike that shit out,” said Davis.
Saints General Manager Mickey Loomis said he appreciates the passion of the fans but that the team will celebrate all seasons that have occurred during the franchise’s existence.
“The past can sometimes be painful to remember, but the more you remember it the better you are able to handle similar situations now and in the future,” said Loomis.
Though he may be fighting a losing cause, Davis seems to have one major supporter on his side, former Saints coach Jim Mora, who ran the goons from 1986 until he blew a gasket in 1996.
“The Saints? The Saints? You’re asking me about the Saints? Really?,” Mora said. “The Saints? To many people, even outside of football, looking back on the 80s and 90s is a nightmare. I should be considered a Saint for the job I did. How I didn’t have an aneurysm I don’t know. Maybe I did. The Saints? You gotta be kidding me. The Saints? Ha.”
With an all-time winning percentage of just .438 (1967-2016), it took the Saints 20 years and over 4.3 million cardiac events to record the team’s first winning season, coming in 1987.
“Honestly, I’m ready to say nothing outside of 2009 happened, but some fans think that goes a little too far so we’re instead asking the team to just celebrate all the winning seasons — records of 9-7 and over. I don’t think that’s asking much,” Davis said.
The Saints history is a long, bumpy road. Graphic courtesy of nola.com / The Times-Picayune