New Orleans Saints commit to winning one game for each decade in NFL

The New Orleans Saints today announced the franchise has committed to win five games this season, one for each decade they've been in the league, in honor of their 50th anniversary.

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The New Orleans Saints today announced the franchise has committed to win five games this season, one for each decade they’ve been in the league, in honor of their 50th anniversary.

“We’re trying to put some nostalgia back into the games this season, so all you longtime fans will recognize some nods to the past we throw in there,” said coach Sean Payton at a press conference earlier this morning.

According to team sources, fans can look forward to seeing more of those old school interceptions, fumbles, backward passes, and other alcoholism-inducing moments that older fans grew accustomed to in the franchise’s formative years.

“We’ve drawn up some great plays that I think will really take fans back,” said an overly excited Payton who gestured running a screen. “Some plays take awhile to break your heart, like the improbable River City Relay and missed extra point to cap it off. That was a thing of beauty. If you think the last couple of games were anything, just wait. We’ve got a lot planned for this season.”

Payton, who has never finished with fewer than seven wins in a season, remains optimistic his team is up to the challenge of taking it down a notch.

“You have to remember, this team is young and naive. They’ll believe whatever bullshit I feed them.”

Saints officials say fans should look for various throwback memorabilia and 50th anniversary branded items given away at games throughout the season, including paper head bags made from 100% recycled hopes and dreams of years past, Nokia cellphones autographed by Joe Horn, 72,000 Russell Erxleben jerseys leftover from 1979, Saint Boba Fet bounty bobbleheads, and Jim Mora’s game-used shot glasses as well as a grand prize raffle where one lucky fan will win the team’s starting cornerback spot and $40 million in dead money because hey, why not, everyone else is getting some.

LSU coach Les Miles, who says he and Payton talk frequently, thinks the boys in black and gold may have a challenge on its hands greater than winning five games.

“It used to be that when a team in the Gulf South performed poorly people here would say ‘they played like the Saints.’ But now when a team chokes, there’s a good chance they might say ‘they played like LSU.’ If Sean needs some inspiration, I’ve got it,” said Miles.

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