In an unshocking story, a local couple is caught in a months-long standoff — locked in a battle of wills over a nearly-empty tube of toothpaste.
Sources close to the couple report that Doug and Dana Burch, Lakeview residents married for 14 years, have been attempting to squeeze every last drop out of the tube, but neither wants to be the one to throw the tube away. Allegedly, both parties are convinced there is at least one more good squeeze left in the tube, and neither wants to admit defeat.
The situation has escalated to the point where the couple is using more than just their hands to further squeeze the smashed accordion-looking tube.
According to friends, the couple has resorted to all sorts of tactics to try to get the upper hand in the battle. The wife has been known to use a rolling pin to flatten the tube in an attempt to eke out every last bit of paste, while the husband has taken to using a toothpick to scrape out the last bits of toothpaste from the tube.
Despite these efforts and the couple’s claims to the contrary, the tube has remained stubbornly empty, leaving them to face the uncomfortable truth that it may be time to move on to a new tube.
“It’s ridiculous,” said Doug, who once attempted to back his SUV over the tube one morning. “I mean, Dana could just buy a new tube. It’s not like toothpaste is expensive.”
But Dana disagrees. “It’s the principle of the thing,” she said. “We shouldn’t be wasteful. And besides, it’s not like we’re going to run out of toothpaste any time soon.”
When asked what they planned to do when the tube really finally runs out, the wife simply shrugged and said, “Doug will cross that bridge when he comes to it.”
Despite their differing opinions, both Doug and Dana have remained steadfast in their refusal to be the one that throws away the tube. In fact, the couple shows no signs of giving up their game of toothpaste chicken. When asked what they planned to do when the tube really finally runs out, the wife simply shrugged and said, “Doug will cross that bridge when he comes to it.”
While the toothpaste standoff may seem like a minor issue, it has begun to take a toll on the couple’s relationship. Friends and family have expressed concern that the toothpaste saga could lead to deeper issues down the line.
“This can’t be healthy for their relationship. Someone needs to grow up and throw the tube away — JANET,” said a family friend speaking on the condition of anonymity because he is in the same game of toothpaste chicken with his wife.
But for now, Doug and Dana remain committed to their cause. “I’ll get that last bit of toothpaste out if it’s the last thing I do,” said Dana.
As for what will happen once the tube is finally empty? “I don’t know,” said Doug. “You’ll have to ask Dana.”
Hopefully, their deadlock ends better than Kevin and Karen Lofton’s story – Missing man found under wife’s 1,250 decorative bed pillows.