380,000 shootings overnight kills everyone in New Orleans

Shootings claim the lives of everyone in New-Orleans

The FBI is investigating a number of shootings across the city overnight that left everyone in New Orleans dead, raising concern that violence in the city has gotten out of hand.

Investigators say 380,000 fatal shootings occurred within a six-hour period last night that stretched from Uptown to New Orleans East and ultimately claimed the lives of every person living in Orleans Parish and added to the growing list of increasing crime in the area.

“Unfortunately, we’re going to be burying the entire city after this mess,” said Cordelle Garrett, the special agent in charge of the investigation. “On the plus side, next year’s murders number should be down significantly.”

FBI agents from the Baton Rouge headquarters had to assume command of the investigation as the only remaining officers from the New Orleans Police Department were still working to complete a thick backlog of calls and crimes.

“Department policy is first-come, first-served, and we’re working through August 2016 calls right now. Our hands are tied,” Officer Darnell Harrelson, a resident of Metairie, said.

The entire population of New Orleans became victims of homicide last night, raising concern that violence in the city has gotten out of hand. Shown: An updated crime map from WhatBadShitHappenedInMyCityNow.com

Investigators, who admittedly don’t have any leads, urge anyone with information to come forward.

“No one is talking. We’ve hit a dead end, literally,” said Garrett. “We’re working closely with the mayor’s office to piece together what happened and know it’s just a matter of time before we catch a break. I mean, at least one of the city’s crime cameras has to be operational, right?”

Mayor LaToya Cantrell, who previously set benchmarks for her former police chief in 2018 to address the city’s violence without much positive result, said there is a misperception in the media regarding crime.

“The media is looking at inaccurate data,” said Cantrell. “Former Mayor Landrieu clearly addressed crime before leaving office with his ground-breaking violence initiative, which has since had a significant impact in reducing violence. But, of course, it doesn’t fit the media’s agenda so they don’t report on it as they should. Will they tell you that our COVID numbers are, thanks to my strong leadership, the lowest in the country? Will they report I’ve gotten our unemployment rate to drop to zero? Absolutely not, and it positively, asymptomaticly sickens me.”

Cantrell continued by pointing out that her bold, effective tactics may ruffle some feathers, which she believes has led to her administration being unfairly viewed.

“It occurs to me all time when we have difficult circumstances, when people get afraid, get uneasy with each other, we tend to point fingers. But blame is a pathway to nowhere… Media.”

Former 30-year New Orleans resident Bob Brister, who now lives in Mandeville, understands crime is a fact of life but disagrees it’s inevitable.

“High levels of crime is something all major cities have to deal with. What Mayor Cantrell fails to see is that New Orleans hasn’t been a major city since before the Saints stunk up the joint for about 20 years straight.”

Anyone with information about the crime and needs their palms greased is encouraged to call CrimeStoppers at (504) 837-8477.