In a decision described by critics as “the legislative equivalent of pouring water on a drowning man,” Governor Jeff Landry has officially canceled Louisiana’s largest-ever coastal restoration project, valued at $2.2 billion, citing his deep personal belief in market forces, property rights, and letting Mother Nature “pick winners and losers.”
The Mid-Barataria Sediment Diversion project, which would have built 21 square miles of barrier islands and wetlands to defend the state’s rapidly vanishing coastline, was scrapped after Landry reportedly asked, “Has anyone even asked the Gulf if it wants to be stopped?”
“We’re not losing land, we’re gaining water,” Landry told reporters while standing knee-deep in what used to be Terrebonne Parish. “This administration believes in economic liberty, and that includes the liberty of the ocean to take over as much real estate as it wants without government interference. And let’s get one thing straight, it’s not the Gulf of Mexico anymore. Around here, we call it the Gulf of AMERICA.”
The Governor instead proposed what he calls a “market-responsive, erosion-positive growth strategy,” which includes: Eliminating all unnatural barriers to water intrusion; offering tax incentives to developers building floating condos; and renaming the remaining Louisiana coastline “Southwaterfront” for branding purposes.
When asked what alternatives residents now have to protect their homes, Landry said, “People need to take personal responsibility. Get a life jacket. Buy a kayak. Innovate.”
According to insiders, Landry’s administration is now weighing two visionary alternatives for the canceled coastal restoration funds. The first is Bayou Vista™, a luxury climate-controlled “Dry Dome” community designed for “preferred landowners,” built atop decommissioned oil rigs just off the coast. The floating dome would feature synthetic grass, imported sand, and holographic sunsets “to preserve the memory of what Louisiana once looked like, before it got too wet and woke.”
Neutral Ground News An early promotional rendering of Bayou Vista™, Governor Landry’s proposed luxury dome community for Louisiana’s erosion-resistant elite. Marketed as “Visionary Living for a Vanishing Coast,” the development promises freedom, elevation, and absolutely no public access.
“It’s not retreating,” Landry allegedly told developers. “It’s strategic staying-put, inside a hermetically sealed, freedom-positive dome.”
The second plan, pitched by the governor’s newly formed Department of Aquatic Morale, is a network of Hydro-Patriotism Centers, waterpark-style facilities where citizens can “learn to swim, salute, and accept the consequences of freedom.” Attendees would receive floaties, loyalty pledges, and basic survival training for when their neighborhood becomes a bay.
Critics also noted that if erosion continues at its current pace, the Governor’s Mansion, currently located in Baton Rouge, could become beachfront property by 2038. Landry, who’s long expressed a desire to “wake up to a view,” reportedly responded, “Sounds like nature is finally doing something right.”