Continuously repeating a supposed confidence-boosting message its therapist recommends saying prior to going to work, a New Orleans Sewerage & Water Board drainage pump was spotted today staring into a mirror while trying to calm itself down as potentially flood-inducing weather targets the city.
Resident Alysha Holder said she was on her daily afternoon walk when she heard what sounded like crying and talking coming from inside Pumping Station #12, which drains a large section of Lakeview.
“I can do this,” the S&WB pump said while staring at its reflection, according to Holder.
“It sounded like a little kid crying so I went up to a window and looked in. All I saw was a giant drainage pump sobbing away, recollecting itself, and then saying the same message over and over again as it stared into a mirror. It seemed like there was a leak because the whole sidewalk was flooded, but it was just this damn pump letting it all out like usual.”
Holder commented she heard the pump, which is the only one at Station #12, repeatedly say, “I can do this. I am a strong, confident drainage device built to suck. I believe in my abilities. I am stronger than my fears. Every challenge is an opportunity to grow. Every day is a chance to shine. I will suck better than I have ever sucked before.”
The S&WB pump, which has an extensive record of failure that has contributed to frequent, immense flooding in the city, has come under fire by tired locals, worrying officials it may have developed performance anxiety.
“Our pumps may not always be ‘broken’ but they certainly feel that way with all the hate and criticism leveled at them,” said S&WB spokesperson Hugh Janis.
“When we say a pump is ‘down,’ we mean it is down as in down in the dumps, and that is what actually causes them to go offline. So, to help, we provide opportunities for them to relax and recharge. In fact, the City recently sent 145 of our 120 pumps on an all-expenses paid reinvigoration retreat to Ascona, Switzerland, with Mayor Cantrell, to help get our S&WB pumps back in the right flow of mind. While the mayor returned home to catch Essence, the pumps continue their team and confidence-building exercises in Ascona. If all goes well, we expect most of them back and fully recharged sometime around November first.”