Tulane “Dome” to seal off campus, students from rest of world

Neutral Ground News - New Orleans News - SatireDon Kiebels

As social unrest grips colleges across the country, Tulane University today announced it will roll out a new program to keep the peace on its campus.

Dubbed “Safe-T”, the comprehensive program’s goal is to protect students from any and all forms of racism, sexism, genderism, homophobia, religiophobia, elitism, favoritism, realism, and any other action or inaction that could possibly be construed as an aggression or transgression. Tulane plans to have the program fully in place by 2020.

According to the University’s press release, the program’s first step of implementation involves changing the school’s colors from blue and green to a neutral beige.

“Blue and green are such demeaning, restrictive colors. The blue obviously reflects the males of the oppressive patriarchy that dominates our society and the green reflects the greedy One Percenters who are hoarding all of the nation’s money. Those colors absolutely had to go,” said graduate student Cynthya Douglas-Quisling, the Junior Assistant Vice Dean of Student Life.

Tulane’s plans show the first major project of the Safe-T program, Phase One, calls for ensuring every building on campus provides sufficient bathrooms for all genders.

With more than 50 gender identities currently identified, university officials admit that most classroom and research buildings will soon house bathrooms only.

“Sacrifices have to be made. What’s the point of going to class or doing research if you can’t go to the toilet in an atmosphere of public acceptance and respect for who you are,” said a University provost who wished to remain unidentified as to not show favoritism.

The remainder of the academic and dormitory buildings will be turned into specialized “safe spaces” for students, with each student being assigned a 10-foot by 10-foot, fully padded room where the student may retreat from any potential disturbances—safe to express themselves in a place of self-love and empowerment. Each safe space will have access to a 24-hour all-vegan room service, and an on-site self-esteem concierge.

Starting with the 2017-18 school year, Safe-T will begin gently requesting all students wear a university-approved, unisex, body-length mu-mu, and apply beige talc to all exposed skin, so as eliminate any potential gender or racial bias.

“We value diversity, but we also value equality. We encourage students to be who they are, who they want to be or who they feel like they are, but so long as they are equal with everyone else,” said Justin Harvison, a Student Life administrator.

Recommendations for hair length and hair styles have yet to be set.

In mid-2018, Phase Two of the plan shows the University will begin construction on a large, dome-like structure over the campus. Officials say the dome, which will seal off the campus from the world, will prevent any outside intrusion and non-approved stimulant.

Completely opaque, the Safe-T Dome will have its own artificial sun and moon.

“Some of our students get sad on rainy days,” said project director Truman Burbank, “while others find mosquitos bring back traumatic past-life memories. With the Dome, none of that will happen. It will always be a sunny day, between 68 and 72 degrees, and at night there will always be a full, clear moon. Only song birds will be allowed inside.”

The Safe-T Dome reportedly will also block all electromagnetic signals, preventing any potentially upsetting radio or TV transmissions from reaching occupants. It will also protect those students who identify as having radio transmitters in their teeth or persons, put there against their will by space aliens, the CIA, or the Koch Brothers.

Once the Dome is completed in 2019, Tulane plans to pad all surfaces on campus with a minimum of 2-inches of foam so no student has the potential of physical injury. All physical sports, team sports, and competitive-natured activities will be banned because of the potential for both physical and/or emotional trauma.

“Yes, even the chess club. Someone could lose. And isn’t that the worse kind of injury—in here,” said the anonymous Provost, pointing to his, her, or its heart.

Lastly, Phase Three of Safe-T will eliminate the traditional classroom-based, credit hour system for obtaining a degree. In its place, the University will enact a voluntary, discussion-based program that awards degrees to every participatory student or those simply requesting one.

School officials understand Safe-T will be an expensive undertaking, especially with all tuition fees waived starting in 2017 to align with the Free Education Movement. In addition to Federal Title IX grants, the University will soon launch a capital fundraising campaign targeting parents and alumni, titled “Check Your Privilege – Then Privilege A Check.”