Scientists have discovered that the Gulf of Mexico is getting warmer, and they’re pretty sure they know why: one man’s pee.
The man in question is Kevin Keith, a hard-working construction worker from Harvey who loves beer and the beach. Every year during the scorching summer months when he needs a break from the heat, he takes a one-week vacation to Destin, Florida, where he spends a lot of time in the water. And, well, he pees a lot.
With his blissful vacation in full swing, Keith’s daily routine involves laying out on the beach and leisurely wading into the pristine waters. Frequent onlookers can attest to witnessing Keith standing in the waters for hours at a time with a degree of consistency that rivals even the most committed of beachgoers. His heavy drinking and frequent bathroom breaks have apparently had a significant impact on the Gulf’s temperature.
“I’ve seen a lot of things on the beach, but nothing like Keith. It’s like looking at The Great Wall of China because it seems like his peeing just keeps going and going forever,” beach-goer Frank Lucas and resident of Lakeview said. “I mean, it’s impressive in its own weird way, but I can’t help to think that if the Gulf of Mexico is getting warmer it’s going to contribute to creating one of those ‘sharknado’ hurricanes or something.”
Keith has been coming to this beach for about a decade now, and scientists believe that his frequent urination is the reason why we’ve seen stronger weather across the nation as of late. Some have even joked that Keith is the “new Poseidon,” and that his golden stream is responsible for creating more potent hurricanes and other extreme weather events.
For the entire week, he ventures to the beach and almost immediately goes straight into the water, peeing hundreds of times a day, every day. Researchers have found that the water in Destin where Keith pees is up to 5 degrees Fahrenheit warmer than the surrounding water and is also steadily increasing the temperature in the rest of the Gulf as well.
This may not seem like a big difference, but the incremental warming caused by Keith’s frequent contributions to the Gulf’s waters has created an ecological imbalance with potentially far-reaching consequences. The elevated temperature provides a conducive environment for the formation of more potent hurricanes, intensified storms, and other extreme weather patterns such as a mystifying hot air dome that has formed over New Orleans City Hall. This discovery has urged scientists to investigate the effects of human behavior on climate change more comprehensively.
New Orleans Mayor LaToya Cantrell has taken a bold stance on climate change. In a recent interview, she said that she is “deeply concerned” about the recent findings that the Gulf of Mexico is getting warmer. She believes that we need to take action to address this issue, and she has a plan.
“I am deeply concerned about the recent findings that the Gulf of Mexico is getting warmer, and I believe that we need to take action to address this issue. I have been in contact with the world’s leading climate expert, and I have assured myself that the most effective way to reduce the temperature of the Gulf is to have Keith pee less. Bam! World saved. Another win.”
While Keith’s relentless urinary odyssey may have inadvertently turned the Gulf into his personal bidet, it has also left climate scientists grappling with a whole new catalyst for climate change. Some have even suggested that Keith’s pee may be the key to solving the climate crisis, but others are more skeptical. Only time will tell whether Keith’s golden stream will be a blessing or a curse for the planet.