With just a few days to go until city elections, a large network of sentient construction cones has become the front-runner in a recent New Orleans mayoral poll.
“It’s doing more to get rid of potholes by just sitting there than any of the other candidates,” Uptown resident Allison Garth said, noting that the cones started to become a hive mind about sixteen years after the Sewage and Water Board abandoned them in her neighborhood.
“The cone collective doesn’t have a face or mouth, but actions speak louder than words, and the cones are the only candidate that seems to care about actually fixing my street.”
Political veterans seem shocked by the non-traditional candidate’s popularity and quick rise.
“I never thought I’d see the day when inanimate objects would be an actual candidate, let alone the leading candidate, for New Orleans mayor,” City Councilwoman Susan Guidry stated.
“I guess people want to actually see the change. If we can have an orange-faced man run the country, I guess the orange cone deserves a chance to run the city, too, if that’s what people really want.”
The poll, conducted by the political action committee NOLA Not For Sale For Less Than $100,000, has the cones coming in at 28%, just ahead of City Councilwoman LaToya Cantrell (25%) and former judge Desiree Charbonnet (23%), pulling most of its support from uber candidate Frank Scurlock. The poll shows that most potential voters in the upcoming election have reducing crime as the most popular issue, but fixing streets comes in at a close second followed by more beer in third.
The cone collective, which actually consists of construction drums or barrels, said in a statement that its name change is an homage to its mother and grandmother.
Cone was born Construction Barrel but changed its name after its parents divorced, opting for its mother’s maiden name. Opponents say it swapped names to connect itself with the cone legacy for recognizability and political gain. Cones are used around the world for just about every kind of event while barrels and drums have limited usage. Cone has dismissed the accusations as political slander.
At a press conference earlier today, the swarm of sentient cones communicated to Neutral Ground News using morse-code by way of blinking lights saying it intends to not only fix streets around the city but also block off major points of crime in an effort to reduce violent incidences.
“Cars stop when we say stop. STOP. Criminals will stop when we say stop. STOP.”
Note: Neutral Ground News has endorsed Cone to become New Orleans mayor because they have always been there for us.