Just in time to take off those holiday pounds, the Sewerage & Water Board of New Orleans today announced the December 20
1920 opening of its new ‘Turbine Health Club’ at the beleaguered Carrollton power plant. Equipped with 3,000 brand new Peloton exercise bikes that will be tied into a new, eco-friendly turbine pump, the agency says its new plan will spur significant savings while increasing community involvement.
“Peloton is the future,” said S&WB chief Ghassan Korban, who made the massive order in December and was given a $30,000 pay raise for orchestrating the move. “The commercials made that abundantly clear and I firmly believe in the power of people, which works out to about 20-25 hertz of peddling power, comparable to the other turbines.”
The S&WB noted it will charge only 60% to 2,370-ish% of what Planet Fitness charges for membership and be able to pump more water than ever before when everyone is pedaling sufficiently. The new system will also not utilize fossil fuels in any way unless a rider passes on to the great boiler in the sky next to Building 1.
The 3,000 Peloton bicycles in the Turbine Health Club are scheduled to replace the 1,600-year-old Turbine 5 that was devastated last month in an explosion at the Carrollton power plant.
According to agency officials, the busted ass Turbine 5 will likely never be brought back into service as the duct tape used to hold it together is a different brand than the one the S&WB now keeps in its desks, making the parts incompatible.
“Turbine 5 served us well for many, many, many years,” said Korban, noting its mostly adequate work during the Great Deluge of 3950 B.C.E. “Now, with the state-of-the-art Peloton system, we get the upgrade we so desperately need while giving the people a health club like no other. The high-energy Peloton workouts will give us power while converting New Orleanians from ‘obese’ to ‘oh, beasts!”
Korban said the master plan envisions residents taking classes or shifts to power the plant by riding the 1,250 Peloton bikes, giving the city a renewable energy source. Additional benefits of the Turbine Health Club reportedly will include a water boil sauna, a napatorium, a deadweight room, and free Cox Gigajunk WiFi.
The announcement marks one of the first concrete steps in what will be a radical shift for the mercenary, a move away from spending millions to keep its own archaic power system limping along and toward a greater reliance on the power of the people.
“The people of New Orleeeeans are a strong people, a people who keep moving no matter what happens, and that’s perfect for the 632 Pelotons that will be up in da club,” Mayor LaToya Cantrell said.
The 173 Peloton bikes are scheduled to be ready and online at the Turbine Health Club by June 202ish.