All-Pro Ndamukong Suh’s stomach wanted to sign with New Orleans, not Los Angeles

Neutral Ground News - New Orleans News - Satire

All-Pro defensive tackle Ndamukong Suh has signed a one-year deal with the Los Angeles Rams, but the decision is eating away at one highly influential source in his camp.

According to reports, Suh may be going to Los Angeles but his stomach, unable to digest the news, ultimately decided to go to New Orleans.

“It [stomach] growled at me when my family and I decided Los Angeles is where I would play this season,” Suh told Neutral Ground News, who also said the disheartening rift between the two former close-knit friends was like a stomp to the gut, testicles, forearm, or ankle.

“It got a taste of their culture and apparently sparked a hunger it had never felt before. Look, if I didn’t have to worry about keeping my weight in check during the season, New Orleans would absolutely have been my choice without a doubt — but it was just too much of a temptation. My stomach just doesn’t understand the responsibility that comes with being a professional athlete. It has no self-control.”

Before making his decision to join the Rams, Suh was wined and dined at more places than a Zagat writer during his two-week free agency “Suh Show” tour that took him to dozens of eateries across New Orleans, Nashville, and Los Angeles.

“It’s really been eating at me (the rift). But my deal with the Rams is only for one year, so who knows what 2019 will bring,” Suh said, noting he is already making a list of places that includes 165 restaurants in New Orleans that he wants to eat during free agency next year.

Suh’s now estranged stomach allegedly bought its own place in the Warehouse District to be near Donald Link restaurants Herbsaint, Pêche, and Cochon, its favorite stomping ground, and will begin living in the city in late summer, just in time for Coolinary.