Monster dookies from quarantined, binge-eating locals put massive strain on New Orleans pipes

Monster loads from overeating quarantined citizens put massive strain on New Orleans pipes - New Orleans news - Neutral Ground NewsJasmin Sessler

Area plumbers are busting their butts as they take an explosive load of service calls from homeowners, renters, and apartment dwellers during the coronavirus pandemic.

Quarantined, binge-eating locals taking advantage of drive-thrus, deliveries, takeouts, and curbside pickups are contributing to massive dumpage levels that threaten to completely blowout old, delicate New Orleans pipes, according to sources on the frontlines of near-disaster. An additional complication is what people apparently are using to complete those bowel movements.

Plumbers report fixing toilets clogged with pages and pages of newspapers because residents are saving now rare store-bought toilet paper which has become a new form of currency.

“We’re seeing folks trying to flush entire editions of The Times-Picayune New Orleans Advocate Gambit Democrat States and Daily City Item,” said Sonny “Crack” Chenevert of Clean Yo Drain, who admitted he himself is guilty of the practice at times. “Look, I don’t blame ’em so I can’t judge ’em, I can only help fix the aftermath. It’s all a little chaotic, but in the end, I love this shit, literally, because that means we’re making triple time and a half responding to customers.”

Another issue, Chenevert said, is people stuck in quarantine are becoming constipated from overeating, especially restaurant food like red lazy gravy lasagna, double Black Angus cheeseburgers doused with spicy shame, lemon-grass and nap-time scented vermicelli, donkey doodle cholesterol booster cookies, 100% saturated fat chocolate chip and hello-elastic-waistbands brookies, surf-and-turf-and-no-more-self-worth po-boys, sloth smothered mudbugs, and creamy red beans and rice with hot sausage topped off with a loaf of buttered bread and greasy dignity. Though, the amount of alcohol people are consuming during quarantine seems to be helping to loosen things up and alleviate one of the problems.

“If you’re going to eat a lot, drink a lot. Your plumbing will thank you. Your plumber? Probably not so much. But we’re at least getting paid well.”

Ed and Elaine Schechter of Elmwood are longtime newspaper readers and wipers going back to the days of The States-Item. The husband and wife who fancy themselves as highly experienced professionals offered advice to all the amateurs who just started up during the pandemic.

“Read and wipe,” Ed noted. “Never wipe and read. Ever.”

New Orleans pipes, which are said to be older than the city itself, are extremely delicate and require endless care provided by an army of plumbers like Chenevert.

“It may not be glamorous but it’s what nature called me to do just like my daddy, my daddy’s daddy, and my daddy’s daddy’s mama, she was a tough ol’ broad, and I’m happy to do it.”